Holiday Party Etiquette

Although Christmas is now a few days behind us – those few strands of tinsel, melting santa candy, and lovehandles are still here serving as a reminder that the holidays are not officially over…YET. 

We still get to look forward to NYE (or as Chucklyn says – Amateur Night) and possibly that end of the year Holiday Party with your co-workers. Since Chucklyn and the folks here at Urban Etiquette have gone to our fair share of company shindigs, we're offering some pointers on how to handle the hellish celebration:

• Wear something appropriate!
  Just because your boss decided at 3:00 pm to take the team out to the local Irish Pub instead of having the normal in-office cheesetastic celebration does not mean its time to run home first and change into the sequined mini and tube top combo from '99.
  
  Talk to your peers and see what's up. It all depends on the venue but remember you are still representing your office – so unless you work for Fredericks of Hollywood – keep it somewhat classy there champ!
  
  
• Booze is your Frenemy
  Let's make that clear – both FRIEND and ENEMY! Chucklyn is no stranger to throwing back a few because sometimes it helps to loosen things up in front of those SVPs but be certain to swill with care.
  
  Don't be so relaxed that multiple items of clothing start coming off or so that you start talking about office crushes or past office conquests or - God forbid - acting upon them. Chucklyn was once luckily enough to get a cougartastic makeoutsesh between an admin and a junior exec on camera and has been holding on to it for three years…y'know, just in case.  

• Set your Limits and plan your travel route home BEFORE the party
  We learned this the hard way. Once, after a few-too-many tequila shots at the Holiday Mixer, one thing led to another and before we knew it we were at a strip club by the airport drinking a Whiskey Sour with the sales team watching the regional manager pulling out singles from his company logo-branded money clip.
  
  Getting crazy and heading out to a post-party event to keep the night going with the boss may seem like a good idea when fueled by a stomach full of Jameson but when you need to discuss that TPS report with him the next day at 8:30 and you still have stripper glitter under you fingernails, you may think twice.
  
  

Rock out kids but play it cool!

Schadenfreude: How to Order a Sandwich at Jimmy Johns

Step 1: Decide what you want, and narrow your special requests (i.e. no mayo) down to two. Anything more than two will confuse the workers and you will get a completely incorrect sandwich. 

Step 2: Tell the cashier what you want (do not relax yet). 

Step 3: Repeat the last 2/3 of your order to the cashier after they wave their hand around and ask you to "hol' up hol' up" while they slowly press the keys. 

Step 4: Repeat the last 1/3 of your order to the cashier after they repeat your order back to you. Note: their repetition will be wrong and you may have to go back to step 3. 

Step 5: Pay for your sandwich, receive an incorrect amount of change. Determine whether it is wrong enough to be worth getting back in line. 

Step 6: Wait around for your sandwich while people push past you to get to the soda fountain. 

Step 7: Receive sandwich with at least one error. If you are not allergic to the error, proceed to Step 8. If you are, go back to Step 2. 

Step 8: Get your own bag and napkins, this is too confusing for the people who already cannot figure out how to make a sandwich. 

Step 9: Go back to work and spill lettuce on the keyboard writing a rant on craigslist.

--Schadenfreude

Cat Etiquette from 1905 Lolcat Photo

Kitty-cat etiquette Rule #1:

First and foremost, kitty no can has cheezburger...EVER!

From THE authority in all things cat-caption-related at icanhascheezburger.com:

This captioned cat picture postcard was found by Tracy Angulo in a Seattle antique store. Tracy tells us that the photograph is from 1905, which would make this officially the oldest cat picture with a caption, AKA lolcat, that we’ve seen.

The differences are clear. Proper grammar and a more formal tone was in vogue back then. But the similarities to modern-day kitten struggles and lolcats are amazing. ALL CAPS is still cool, but most importantly, she also no can has cheezburger. More than a hundred years later, all that’s changed is the spelling.

Evekitteh, we hope you got a good dinner.

more animals from icanhascheezburger.com

Chucklyn says: 

Don't give up hope, kittehs!  Perhaps the "change" the new presidential administration can has in mind involves cheezburger stimulus packages...

Graph Making Etiquette Example: Consequences of Gay Marriage

Charts and graphs should be kept simple.  Case-in-point...

...doesn't get any simpler than this!

Original link courtesy of Reddit.com - thanks little alien fellow   !!

Websites with Auto-Run Video are FAIL!

There's something to be said about rich content.  

Vids of Will Ferrell getting yelled at by his pint-sized landlord?  Yes please!  

YouTube creations splicing together the best of Family Guy's Quagmire?  Awesometastic.

But we could really give a flying flick about your in-house pundit spewing their perspective unbidden.  

That's what the "Play" button is for.  So's we can choose to play.  Y'know...if we want to.  Just don't make that decision for us.  That's just plain rude.

Editor's Note: We're lookin' at you, ESPN Fantasy Football - stop busting us out at work!  We're down for some Matthew Berry / Starfania Bell commentary as much as the next guy, but not when the boss is within earshot, dammit!

Politically Incorrect: the "September Madness" Current Events Bracket!

This was far too funny to pass up.  Well, funny with a side of sad really.  But funny nonetheless!

(too large to post in its entirety and still be readable, so bear with the split-bracket action...)

Voicemail Faux Pas: Identify Yourself!

"Hey it's me...call me back!"

FYI for all the me's out there: there are quite a few of you so do us a favor and identify your freakin' self!

Unless:

1. You're a significant other
2. You're a family member / best friend we grew up with
3. You have a voice so unique you're immediately identifiable...

...don't assume we know you by voice alone! Sorry. Maybe we're just not that into you. Or maybe we just don't know your hangover gutterals that well. Perhaps we simply don't speak fluent Klingon.

Whatever the case, you probably don't realize you're doing it so - fair warning - leave more than a clue about who you are and you'll stand a much better chance of receiving communication in kind.

If you should choose not to heed said warning and insist upon leaving quizzical messages replete with "hit me back"'s and "call me"'s, you hereby forfeit any and all claim to anger / frustration / attitude toward unrequited correspondence.

DO:

Call your favorite pal, colleague, lover etc and whisper sweet nothings into their messaging system.

DO NOT:

Whisper a sweet nothing about who the hell you are!

*Special thanks to the always-hilarious Jenna McCarthy on this one - speak the Truth, sista! When does that book drop again?? ;^)

Zoiks! Like, which asshole didn't leave his name this time, Scoob?

Chivalry: Little Old Lady at the Bus Stop

Chivalry Lives, folks. Classic example witnessed just today in downtown Chicago:

There was an old lady who walked in big shoes.
With many a bunion, knew not what to do.
Approaching the bus stop walker in-hand,
Barred from passage by a crowd and a man.

While others brushed past, little thought to the hag,
Our hero did pause and offered-hold of her bag.
Groceries packed too large full of cans and cat food
Yet finding her eeking along in bright mood.

In a world of "me-first," "my turn" and "it's mine"
Young squire did'st transport her back to old times
With a wink and a smile and polite courtesy
A gentleman, sure, made the day of this little lady.

New Section: Chivalry Lives

Urban Etiquette is proud to present a new section dedicated to those citizen knights who go out of their way to make everyday life that much easier and more enjoyable for all:

Chivalry Lives

These people understand the weight of a simple gesture and relate to the fact that they are not the only ones who matter. Here, in this space, you are no less than gods.

To the Metropolitan-Mannered, the City Citizens, the Courteous Cosmopolite:

We Salute You!

Twitter Etiquette 101: The Re-Tweet

I'd say half the people I know are hip to the Twitter. Although the other half of you still haven't caught the Twitter-bug, there are some things you should know about how it works.

That's why I started a new blog over at:

http://twitterbeginners.blogspot.com/

If you're new to Twitter or just want to know more about how to optimize / expand / use it (or how NOT to use it!), feel free to check it out!

Example:

Twitter Etiquette 101: The Re-Tweet

Go ahead and post a twitter entry that you found on someone else's page...but give credit where credit is due! Click here for the low-down so's you don't catch the smack-down.

Unrelated: Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers

Selfish. Whiner. Cry-baby. Waffler. Trouble-maker.

These are a few of the adjectives being applied to Brett Favre by the blogosphere, message boards and Twitter-topia.

In case you don't follow, the Green Bay Packers' hall-of-fame-bound quarterback retired last March, but recently decided he wants to play after all. Whether or not that will be with the Pack, elsewhere, or at all remains to be seen.

But although this site is far from a sports blog in any sense, I couldn't help but make a single point that I think is being overlooked by the critics out there - both media & sports fan alike:

Brett Favre has earned the right to negotiate whatever he deems to be a fair shake out of an organization whose heritage he has not only embraced, but furthered into the halls of football legend.

To those of you who insist that Favre is a whiner:

Shut your hole and step aside as a living NFL legend works out a well-earned deal. I'm tired of hearing people berate Favre for politicking for the first time in...how many consecutive starts??

Whether you like him or not, Favre has never been a whiner. He's never made waves for personal gain. He has demonstrated, time and again, a sheer grit and determination that is largely devoid in professional sports - a fact that neither fans nor detractors can refute.

Case-in-point: this unique perspective from ArmsDistance on Favre's iconic connection to Chicago.

And as the unequivocal leader of the Green Bay Packers through 16 years and 253 consecutive starts, Favre continues to play with the passion and enthusiasm of the recess playground and the professionalism of a true sportsman.



There is no "maneuvering" involved here. He doesn't have a damned thing to prove that he hasn't already given in years of dedication - quite literally - blood, sweat and tears.

Get off the guy's back. You critics couldn't hang there even if you tried.

Unrelated: Bunny Money

Hahahaha...! Swearing cartoon bunnies slay us.
(but this IS actually safe for work - truly)

Nothing proves that we're true consumer whores more than the fact that a funny commercial turns us into brand ambassadors. Enjoy...

Quickie: Yelling at your children in public

Nothing interrupts our search for the perfect papaya* like a parent verbally berating a child in the produce section.

Parents: take your guidelines on this one from the guidelines about arguing in public.

DO:

Discipline your chitlins. We don't need any other public nuisances running around destroying property, peeing on things and making general mischief.

Just remember: they became little rat bastards because...well...you're an asshole.

DO NOT:

Attempt to teach your Devil Spawn a lesson in a public place. We don't want to have to stop another public lashing of a child (no...seriously).

We have enough on our record already and don't need to add Justifiable Homicide to the list just because you decided to slap your Ginger Kid around in the unmentionables section of the department store.

*Psych! ...shopping at grocery stores necessitates that we cook. We don't.

Top 5 Customer "Service" Gripes

While on-hold waiting for a customer service rep to "help" us, we thought we make use of this time to give you the offical Urban Etiquette...

Top Five Customer Service Gripes

1. Know what the hell you're talking about.
Unless you're new, learn your damned products and services before telling us what we can or cannot do / change / accomplish. If we've been a customer for 12 years and you've been a service rep for 12 minutes, we might just know a bit more than you.

2. Familiarize yourself with the term "Empathy."
And, for chrissakes, implement it! Sometimes just hearing out a complaint is half the battle. But if you brush our very real problem aside, you're creating a hostile correspondence.

Think of it this way: if it was serious enough for us to call in and spend the time to navigate the plethora of "automated system" roadblocks on your "service" line, then it's serious enough for you to express at least feigned care and understanding.

3. Don't take it out on us.
That ungrateful asshole you just spend 26 minutes arguing with? Yeah - don't know him. I'm me and this is the reason for my call.

So make with the answers already and save the attitude for those stepchildren that you'll probably be yelling at in the supermarket later tonight (hmm...another good topic).

4. Don't make us repeat our account number yet again.
Is it just us or do we find ourselves constantly keying-in account numbers and other personal information all the way through the automated system process...

...just to have to do it all over again when we finally get a live person on the line? What the hell's the point? Are all customer service calls routed through 1-800-4-SADISM first?

5. Language barriers are unacceptable.
To all of those decision-makers who outsource your customer service call centers to other countries: Fuck You.

You are the reason blood pressure rises and pulses quicken every time we realize that we need to waste a day of our lives trying to decipher just what the hell is being said over the phone from the other side of the world.

This is, in no way, meant to be racist. It is simply stupid. And counter-intuitive.

Putting someone who does not speak clear, understandable English on the phone to handle a problem too complicated for us to figure out on our own tells us that you don't care enough about your customers to address their needs in a reasonable manner.

Not to mention that it's thoroughly un-American! (fist-bumps Steven Colbert)

New Section: Unrelated

Sticking to the etiquette theme is the main focus of this site, but we've found that we have plenty more to say that we'd like to share.

Therefore, to quickly illustrate the difference betwixt an etiquette-related posting and a pop-culture posting, we've decided to add a new prefix to some of the titles of our posts:

Unrelated.

When you see that word at beginning of the title from now on, you can tell that the post will not necessarily be etiquette-related. ...just a little cheat sheet for ya. Enjoy!

Unrelated. Tuesday Fun: Showtime Photo Hunt

Television show promos have never looked so good!

Showtime has been kind enough to advertise both Weeds and Secret Diary of a Call Girl (both worthwhile shows, by the way) with sexy pinup-girl ads starring Mary-Louise Parker and Billie Piper respectively.

Yowza.

Too boot, they've added clever Web 2.0 features such as a full Wiki for each show in which fans can add photos, cast info, insider tidbits and more. It's a simple, but forward-thinking move for the Showtime execs.

We applaud not only their creative direction (did we say Yowza?), but also the fun times they've added - such as this Photo Hunt Game themed after the two shows...enjoy!

Spitting On The Sidewalk

Hey fugger! Thanks for the loogie on our shoes! We can't wait to track it into our house!

We're so happy we get to bring a little bit of YOU along with us that we could just die!

Seriously. If you must hock your guts up and let fly with some nasty lung-butter in public, please at least do so in the grass, off of the curb, in the street.



It's not sanitary. It's not nice. In fact, it's downright disgusting and you're an effing sumnabitch and your woman is going to leave you because you're a nasty mutha and you're ugly. And you smell.

DO:
Expel bodily fluids from your person...preferably at home.


DO NOT:
Hock one right onto the middle of the sidewalk, while waiting in a line, next to / in front of newspaper kiosks, ATMs, doorways...

Get a clue, sicko. We hope you end up at a drinking fountain which one of your brethren has already visited.

Wash your hands, ya filthy animal!

Actual, serious comment overheard in a Wrigley Field bathroom:

"Why do guys even wash their hands? It's not even worth it."

Word to the not-so-wise: Just because it's attached to you doesn't mean it's clean.

So wash your damned hands, you sick sumnabitch!

We know we've touched on this issue before, but we felt it deserved its own post since some people are obviously deluded about the merits of cleanliness. But make no mistake: refusing to wash your hands after touching your own no-no spots constitutes Urban fucking Terrorism!

After all, that means you just had your paws all over your Johnson, for crissakes! So 'ol boy is just going to head on back to his seat to give his buddies some high-fives, huh? Go team!

That little concave round thing over there with the spout and the hole? Yeah, it's called a sink. And NO, running some water over them doesn't count as "washing." Use some soap, you filthy fuck.

No more high-fives, dude. Hell, not even fist-bumps. Not after we just saw you exit a stall and then skedaddle sans sanitation.

And just how in the hell can you feel justified in leaving the room without washing after having been in a nasty public bathroom stall, anyway?! We hope you're heading to the nacho stand. Be sure to lick all that excess cheese off of your fingers while you're at it.

Effing sickos.

Stacey: Christmas Eve weekend at Duffy McFlannigan's

Ladiieeesss!!! Come on girls, let's make this one count. Ashley, get your waxed beaver over here, girlfriend!

These are the best days of our lives girls: community college, syphillis, bisexuality, wow chicas, I guess we've been through it all together.

Now I know this is the BEST remix of "My Humps" playing right now, but we absolutely haaaaave to get a picture of all us girls together. Now this cute little ethnic peasant has volunteered to take it for us. Hurry girls!! Burrito, or whatever his name is, has tables to bus!

I have to say, we have quite the gang girlfriends! Nikki here is working hard towards her associates in business. Whoo, that deserves a chocolate martini toast! Friends forever, cha-ching!!

Amber, it's been a hard road for you girl, but you managed to have yet another miscarriage. I don't know how you manage to ooze those things out, but I think you are soooo strong. You know, children are precious, and I know you'll be a wonderful mom one day, You know, like when you're ready. Love you sweetie!

Trina, what are you doing chica? Is that your usual pucker, mike's hard lemonade, and ephedra cocktail? Why is that black guy trying to give you a Smirnoff Ice colonic? Whatever, he's Puerto Rican, you know I'm not racist I love Will Smith!!

Anyways girl, pose now, spray later! This one's definitely going in our friendship scrapbook!

Leslie, hun, I wanted to pull you aside and tell you this. I think you're so brave sweetie......if I only had half the strength you did. You froze off those genital warts like the little Queen Frostine you knew you had in you all along. I love you girl, always remember DMB '04. I know you'll totally be standing up in my wedding when I find Mr. Right. But for now, I'm all about Mr. Wrong, so click the pic, spic!!!!!

So what do you girls wanna do, it's last call. Get a few milkshakes at Denny's, then vomit them up? Feel each other up in the parking lot and get a group of bouncers to watch? Call up our exes, blow them, and cry ourselves to sleep?

Whatever it is, we're gonna do it together, and it's going straight to the friendship scrapbook! Now let's make this last grinding session count!

Ready, set, make out!!!!!

Lauren Conrad + Whitney Port + Blindfold + Camera = ...bowling?

Talk about let-downs. While perusing a news site ("news" site is more like it), we came across the top portion of a photo that continued down off of the screen.

Imagine the excitement over the utter potential of such a risque shot when one only sees this much:

Holy Moses! Is that how they really get down when the cameras aren't around?! There's obviously a much better show to be shot here!

But then, as disappointing as yet another redundant, predictable underscored-with-the-latest-pop-single "drama" breakdown, one scrolls to view the shot in its entirety:

Photo Credit:

Chris Polk / FilmMagic

Just when you think some paparazzo finally scores a half-decent shot of some worthwhile "reality," your hopes are dashed yet again.

Two Spoiled Chicas + A Blindfold + Cameras = ?

Equals...effing BOWLING??

C'mon MTV. You're supposed to be good at this sort of thing. Hell, according to you, it's hotter over on the set of equally-if-not-more-retarded Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and her hell-minions / "love interests" than it is in sunny southern California.

The Etiquette Scoop:

The (admittedly pliable) ethics of photojournalism dictate that a photo presented as part of a news story should be a near-perfect representation of the real event.

Placing a photo on a website in such a way that it is effectively cropped by its layout can drastically change the perspective of the photo.

Photographers who do so are certainly effective...if not dastardly.

To photographers who cheat with layout tricks:

We Hate Your Fucking Guts.
...but damn do we respect you.


DO:
Photograph celebs. We all love the guilty pleasure, dammit. And anyone who says otherwise is downright lying.

DO NOT:
Misappropriate your photographic scoop with tricksy website placement.

Quickie: No Paying with Change on the Bus!

A Friday Quickie...

DO:
Ride public transportation. Shared transport is good for the environment and can actually serve as quite the enterntaining way to get around.

DO NOT:
Pay with change on the bus.


To clarify, pay however you'd like. But do NOT nudge your way to the front of the line for the bus, only to pull out a fat wad of change and proceed to count it out coin by coin!

Think about what you're doing, you selfishisto! In your utter selfishness, you've left the rest of us to melt in the sweltering heat like Buttahface McGee ovah- heah!

Take yo' Fergalicious ass to the END of the line if you've got a coinpurse full of fare, got it?

Rules of Taxi Cab Etiquette

Taking a cab should be a simple process:

1. Flag down cab
2. Enter & give destination address
3. Arrive, pay & exit

But certain factors have complicated the process. That's why we've set the record straight with these Rules of Taxi Cab Etiquette

Rule #1: My Way or the Highway

If you have a preferred route in mind, the cabbie is obligated to take it. S/he is welcome to object (preferably by offering a more efficient alternate route) but in the end, the fare's preference rules the ride. If said route is ignored and your ride subsequently takes longer / costs more, you then reserve the right to pay less than the displayed fare.

This rule also applies to an experienced cabbie "accidentally" taking a wrong turn / incorrect off-ramp that then adds additional time and cost to the trip.

Rule #2: The Red Carpet Exit

Upon arriving on any busy street, think of exiting the cab as arriving on the red carpet: you should be exiting on the sidewalk side only. Climbing across the seat may not be the most comfortable or convenient way, but this is for your safety and the safety and liability of the cabbie and other motorists.

Rule #3: First Right of Clown-Car Refusal

If you approach a waiting cab rolling five deep+, you cannot be angry if the cab refuses to take all of you in the same car. After all, it is incredibly illegal, very obvious to John Q. Law and carries a hefty fine...for the cab, not for you, slick!

Rule #4: Picture Me Rollin' - The Taxi Soundtrack

You (the fare) have the right to request a radio station, but it's the cabbie's car so unfortunately your request can be denied or ignored. However, you do have the right to dictate the volume of anything playing in the back seat during your ride.

Rule #5: Women Don't Date Cabbies

So you can just stop hitting on every fare with a vagina who enters your vehicle. See "Hitting On Women 101: Commuters" for further clarification, as the same guidelines apply.

Basically, you can tell from the first two come-ons if she's interested. So stop picking-up and start paying-attention...to the road!

Driving in two lanes, jerking across the road, ignoring turn-signal use and honking at other motorists for your own mistakes are all obvious signs that you could use some additional concentration on the actual driving process and less on your depressing attempts to snag a fare's digits.

Trust us, she's only giving you the Rejection Hotline number anyway.

Arguing: Not just for in-private anymore!

Go 'head girl. Give that boy hell. He done didjou wrong.

Tell. Him. OFF.

Don't mind us. We're just commuting. Ain't NO thang but a chic-ken-wang. Handle yo' biznass, girl!

Oh no he didn't! Say what?? Oh. No. He. Did. NOT!

Hell naww! He's sleepin' on the damned couch ton-- ...well I'll be damned if you didn't just take the words right out my mouf, girl!

DO:
Disagree, stand up for yourself and, when necessary, duke it out with your loved one.

DO NOT:
Argue in public. No, really. Arguments are your business. Not ours.

Important point:
Some "public places" also place us in a situation in which we're a captive audience. That means that when we're on the bus, in an elevator, on the train, etc. we cannot escape your altercation.

That also means you need to temporarily suspend your argument until you can get to a place in which you can have it in private...like, hmm... Like the 5th Circle of Hell perhaps?

Betcha Didn't Know:
You sound like a complete and utter jackass when you're arguing with someone over the phone in a public place. Get this: we only hear one side of the strained, embittered exchange, so it all sounds bad and is therefore attributed to you and you alone.

So please keep that in mind next time you decide to tearfully dispute which "David" won American Idol while in line at Planned Parenthood okay?

Seriously.

Urban-Etiquette.net wins Best Pop Culture Blog award!!

Thanks to you, dear readers, Urban-Etiquette.net snagged top honors in the Best Pop Culture Blog category of The Best of Blogs Awards 2007!



Voting ended at midnight on Sunday, June 1st and as the final winners in each category were posted this evening, we found that Urban Etiquette came out on top with a full 41% of the vote!

The other nine finalists in the category were worthy contenders (and awfully nice people) so feel free to check them out via the links below.

Special thanks to our staff of rockstar contributing editors for all of your hilarious insight and off-beat perspectives. Couldn't have done it without any of you!

We hope to prove worthy of such positive reinforcement by continuing the crusade against the selfish, inconsiderate, aloof and downright disrespectful jerks who make everyday city life more difficult than it should be!

Thanks again to you all!

Urban-Etiquette is:
+Shadenfreude
+Margaret Foster
+Bobby Quick
+Stacey Colangelo
+Chucklyn

And don't forget to check out the other Best of Blogs Pop Culture Blog Award contenders:
Pink Sheep of the Family - 1st Runner Up
These Glory Days - 2nd Runner Up
Blatherings
MamaPop
MwazLoves
ComicBookHeroes
CrabbyGoLightly
The Weekly Rader
Design for Mankind

Thank you all!

Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line

Public events and venues are notorious for lacking in one very universal, very important feature: adequate restrooms.

This being the case, here are the Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line to ensure that no one goes postal over the last lavatory:

First-Come, First-Served
Whether there is a line, crowd, velvet rope or even a "now serving #42" system in place, know this: everyone who is present when you arrive has a god-given right to go before you.

Tip: in the case of unisex bathrooms or festival Port-a-Potty's, opt for the line with the most males. That's not sexist: they simply tend to move faster due to their um, *ahem* equipment.



The Loo is NOT a Conference Room
Not when there are a disproportionate number of restrooms, anyway. If this is some swank spot with posh facilities, then have at it. Go cry, laugh, gossip and make mischief all you want. But if there are throngs of people leaning against walls or hopping around with crossed legs and looks of anguish about them, do us all a favor and make it snappy.

You can do your damned makeup and talk with your lady-friend over near the mirrors, for crissakes.

You Must Be At Least This Tall For This Ride
Kids are slow, messy, clueless, rude and stinky. So don't send your unaccompanied tyke off to a high-tension line for a public bathroom unless you mean to punish them. After all, we shan't be held responsible for ridiculing any defenseless little wanker who pulls his skivvies down below his arse at a standing urinal.

No comment officer. They can't prove anything.

No Target Practice
When "evacuating" into toilet fellas? Lift the damned seat. We're ashamed that we even have to tell you this, but we've been to far too many public toilets only to find your little dribblet gifts left in a most inconsiderate manner all over the seat and floor.

Learning how to properly pee pee is usually a toddler-age feat, so get it together already, ya jerks!

Fist Bumps Only
Wash your damned hands, ya filthy animal. No really. Please. And since public events often don't provide the best facilities, consider popping a couple of wet-naps in your pocket or snagging a small bottle of hand sanitizer on your way out the door.

Until you can make a habit of basic cleanliness, we'll pass on the high-fives, mmkay? Yeah, thaaaanks.

DO:
Head to the head before you feel you really need to. You'll thank us later when, as your bladder starts to burrow out of your abdomen, you find that you're finally next in line for the loo.

DO NOT:
Cut in line, bring friends in with you, or do anything at all other than urinate, defecate and evacuate!

Photo Credits:
kate e. did - Bathroom Lines
Orphaned Ideas - No Pee On Floor sign

New Contributing Editor: Stacey Colangelo

We here at good 'ol Urban-Etiquette.net always have very best interests at heart, dear readers.

That is why we scour the planet for the finest (read: "free") talent to bring you only the highest-quality humorous content.

As such, we proudly present our newest contributing editor: Stacey Colangelo.

Welcome, Stacer. Knock 'em dead, kid.
But hey - clean up after you're done, huh? That's good manners, after all.

Stacey: As soon as I have this baby, I’m gonna get so fucked up!

Well, here I am! All set and ready to bring this little bundle of joy into this world.

Something sure has been cooking in my kitchen and baking in my oven. I can't wait to see the tiny little face of Alexa Jordyn Taylor.

How I look forward to playing with her tiny little feet and holding her in my arms for the first time.

I've been told those 3 am feedings can be hellish, but I'm sure her wails and moans will sound like that of a hungry little cherub. Through all the nausea, mood swings, and swollen breasts, I've managed to put myself in God's hands and do what's best for me and the baby. I can't wait to bless the world with her beauty.

One thing I know for sure though, is that once I have this baby, I am gonna get so fucked up!

Watch out partyland, the bitch is back!

As soon as I leave the hospital, Becky and the girls are gonna pick me and the baby up. She's already reserved one of the big yellow pub-crawl style school buses. Anyways, we're gonna drop off the kid at my mom's house, she's soooo excited about having grandchildren.


From then on, it's all chips, dips, and beers for sips! We got a driver, 5 bottles of Jaeger, and 3 cases of Miller Lite. It's gonna be fucking awesome, a true maelstorm of debauchery and regret!

On our way to T.J. Zapp's, we're totally gonna slam one of those bottles of Jaeger. And you best believe there are gonna be body shots done off my newly deflated belly! I am gonna get so blitzed, this little angel of mine will have a hangover after every time I breastfeed her!

And you better believe once I lose all this baby fat I'm gonna be slutting it up again!

Hell who knows, I might even be back in this blessed little mess, seeing that little Alexis was the product of a pair of jumper cables, a bottle of Patron, and a $50 dollar skirt. I'm sure post-pardem depression's gonna hit so hard, I won't be able to eat for days at a time! Usually when I'm feeling down, I totally lose my appetite and look like a lean little rack of lamb.

Hopefully motherhood won't change that.

When I get back to my usual pack and a half a day habit, I'll be able to substitute cigarettes for all kinds of meals. Before you know it, I'm gonna start looking like a $300 prozzie at a business convention!

But you know, being pregnant totally changes you. When I first found out I was knocked up, I totally ran up and down the stairs super fast and took like 7 shots of vodka in one hour, thinking i could kill this thing off. But now, I totally want to have this little angel.

Now that my little dreamsicle is almost here, it makes me think of how lucky I am to be a mommy, even if daddy calls me crazy and says to stop showing up at his real kids' school with letters to give him.

What matters now is that me and little Alexa Jordyn Taylor have each other, and will forever. But damn, am I gonna get shit-tay once i pop! It's gonna be the bomb, yo.

~Stacey Colangelo

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My record store application

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm you get a lot of submissions from posers who want to work in your record store. But I'm different than the rest.

No. Really.

First of all, I have an uncanny ability to mock the musical choices of any patron with a natural panache and subtlety that will rock your collective socks.

I also come from a long line of shameless elitists and can trace my family tree back to the Mayflower descendants who were so over America long before the ship ever even landed in Plymouth.

Did I mention my facial hair? No irony. Just moustache. And when I enter a room, my Au-natural entourage sometimes precedes me. Let's just say I have a lot to add to the olfactory assets of the store.

I'm also well-adept at being rude to the peons who enter our store searching for crappy pap that they think they want...until I convince them otherwise.

Musical morons of the world grovel at my feet and thank me regularly via my indie blog at:

www.ifyouknowthemthentheysuck.org

But I'm not just rude to patrons. I don't just turn them off with bad customer service, lack of personality, zero-tolerance for questions about mainstream music, or single-word answers sans smiles or voice inflection. No.

I may not have ever worked in a record store before, but I've seen High Fidelity and Empire Records at least 600 times. Each.

So I'm no amateur.

I know that a successful record store needs workers who don't just think they are better than everyone else who walks through the door; it needs workers who absolutely ARE better.

That's why I'm the man for this job.
After all, I'm in a band. We're big in Japan.

Check out our newest album, if you don't believe me:

Best of Blogs Award Finalist!

Thank you all for your amazing support thus far!

Thanks to you, Urban-Etiquette.net is now a finalist for the annual The Best of Blogs Awards in the Pop Culture category! Please help us clinch it by voting at This Link before voting ends early next week.

Thanks again - you all freaking RAWK and we couldn't (and wouldn't) do it without you!

Happy Friday!
~Chucklyn

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Top Five One Night Stand Mistakes

The Top Five One Night Stand Mistakes
propagated by Don Juan wannabees:

Know When to Fold 'Em
Sometimes it's just not going to happen. Don't find that out at last-call, but don't force the issue either, Sparky.

Breaking Point
Have your social lubricant, but moderation is key. It's hard to seal-the-deal when Whisky Richard makes an appearance.

Managing Expectations
Experienced philanderers are well-versed in this supremely subtle art. Managing a potential partner's outlook is key and can mean the difference between a successful romp (or three) and lot of awkward misunderstandings and explanations.

The Long Goodbye
Nothing is more awkward than over-staying your welcome, so get a clue Romeo. If she's already snoring, it's up to you whether or not to stay over. But be prepared to make haste upon waking the next morning. Meeting the roommates, having brunch and *gasp* cuddling are the stuff of relationships, not wanton sex.

We'll put it this way: if she's not initiating some "morning after" action, she doesn't want you there.

The Walk of Shame
Don't believe the hype! This goes one of two ways: either you're geeked-out from your mega score or shaking your head in disbelief.

If you're geeked as hell then your only embarrassment is the perma-grin under that bed-head. Strut straight on home with head held high; that bedpost needs notching.

But if your beer goggles got the best of you last evening, consider the road less traveled.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

...while the other half is to learn from the best.

For that, we refer you to Cracked's round-up of:

History's Seven Most Astounding Sexual Resumes.

...and you thought Three Dog Night sucked. Pssht!

Hey headphones: the volume's different out here

There's no need to yell. Just because you're wearing headphones doesn't mean the rest of the world's volume is turned way the hell up.


Not sure why you would assume that the rest of the known universe has effing crap-ass Nickelback blasting at the same god-awful volume, but please don't yell at us rather than simply removing your earbud from your empty head cavity.

In fact, don't talk at all.

DO:
Listen to your music via headphones. Lord knows we don't want to hear that crap out loud.

DO NOT:
Turn the volume up so high that:

1. We can hear every redundant crappy-pap hook as well as the same lame-tastic spoken-word-breakdown-followed-by-rockin-crescendo as every non- hip hop song played at John Barleycorn's house of douchetastics.

2. You feel the need to yell to your fellow man rather than talk with a normal, "inside-voice."

p.s. Nickelback sucks ass. Here's the scientific proof.

Craigslist Etiquette Part III: Personals

Craigslist Etiquette

Part III: Personals

In this third and final installment of the "Craigslist Etiquette" interview series, Craig Newmark sets the record straight about the Craigslist Personals category...

Urban-Etiquette:
Is it safe to say that basically the entire Personals section is "Not Safe for Work" (NSFW)?

Craig Newmark:
That actually depends upon the section. For example, "Men Seeking Men" (m2m) often has the most complaints, whereas "Women Seeking Women" (w2w) may actually be the best self-policing section on the entire site.

Is it good etiquette to include a photo of oneself along with a personals post?
Depends on the specific situation. For example, if you’re trying to connect with others based upon what you're about, maybe start with words and follow with photos later on.

What about including photos of, say, other relevant body parts?
Off hand, uh - I’d say it’s probably a bad idea.

Or a photo from five years ago?
Or ten?! This also goes back to the Golden Rule: treat people like you want to be treated, remembering that different people have different sensitivities and ideas about what’s okay.

Are inappropriate photos flagged the most?
There are actually bigger problems than photos that are not safe for work and users consistently tell us to prioritize.

Especially because some of the ugliest things I’ve seen were actually over in the discussion forums. People sometimes get a little nasty with each other, which bothers me more.

So we have a, uh, *ahem* friend who wanted to, er - that is - this friend of ours wanted us to ask:
There's a section for “Jobs” and a section for “Casual Encounters,” but what if I wanted to get a job...IN casual encounters?
Well if it's a job doing that, then it sounds illegal and we definitely don’t want it on the site!

Craigslist Etiquette, Part II: For Sale

Craigslist Etiquette

Part II: For Sale

In this second installment of Craig Newmark's "Craigslist Etiquette" interview series, Craig enlightens Urban-Etiquette.net readers to considerate mannerisms in the Craigslist For Sale category...


Urban-Etiquette:
It's super-annoying how some people respond to a sales listing once, and then disappear completely. Do you think people should provide “closure” after expressing interest or is it acceptable etiquette to simply disappear?

Craig Newmark:
This definitely falls under the umbrella of "treating others as you want to be treated," which I interpret as: Yes, you should close the loop. Don’t leave people hanging.

In real life however, it is sometimes hard to do that. And remember: email is not a completely reliable form of communication!

Other bad manners we've observed on the site include:
Misleading sales descriptions or postings for items that were already sold but not taken down
Again, Golden Rule – here I’d say that means that you should be honest in your ads

Third-party solicitors offering to “help” sell a high-ticket item in exchange for a percentage of the sale price
When it comes to being solicited in any manner, there are a number of gray areas. But if you’re approaching someone other than in the way they indicated then that even gets into deceptive advertising or spam.

We're faced with challenge of running open and democratic system. There are very few bad people but there are bad people.

It's like what Jon Stewart says: you hear more from extremists because moderates actually have stuff to do!


Any other etiquette tips for the Sales section?
Some of the ones I hear most users are:

• Don't post in all capital letters
• Remove listings when they are settled
  
• And if you commit to selling something, follow through with it! Even if someone else comes through with a higher offer.

Thanks for clarifying that Craig.

Now that it's official, message to Craigslist poster "SoxRoxr36:"
Why you didn't call us when we was 'posed to swap for those Carrot Top tickets, man?? Ain't right. Just ain't right.

Craigslist Etiquette by Craig Newmark, Part I

After a whopping 13 years online, Craig Newmark, founder of Craigslist.org, still answers user e-mails directly as a part of the customer service team. That means that he not only wrote the book on the quick-and-dirty online classified ad community, but he's also its veteran editor.

Since Craigslist caters mostly to city-dwellers, we asked Craig to lay down the law for Urban-Etiquette.net readers and stake out some official...

Craigslist Etiquette

(Part I of III)

The entirety of proper Craigslist etiquette falls under Craig's take on The Golden Rule:
"Treat people like you want to be treated." The Craig himself was kind enough to break that down for us...

Urban-Etiquette:
What is it about CL that attracts so many visitors?
Craig Newmark:
We have this culture of trust – based on that golden rule – and our site is simple and effective.

What is the most-misused part of the site?
Oh, I don’t know! So much of the removal is automatic, so I don’t have a chance to see that. We focus less on what is being abused and more on ensuring that users have the power to remove abuse.





Top user complaint:
Spam.






Speaking of, is that “flagging” system of self-policing as effective at deterring spam and inappropriate postings as you would like it to be?
We need it to be better, but we’re working on it. The intent is to get way ahead of the curve.

Are you able to offer any insight into how the system works such as: are there are certain number of flags required before CL staff will review a post?
There is actually no monitoring involved from the Craigslist end. It is all automated. If enough people flag an ad, it is automatically removed.

Has CL ever had to ban people?
Now and then we do block people, as best we can. Some people are severely abusive one way or another and when reasoning with them doesn’t work, they simply have to go.

What is the BEST thing about running a site like Craigslist?
The general feeling is that we’re helping millions of people out with everyday stuff.


The Three Biggest Craigslist Community Faux-Pas:
3. Uninformed Debate
Sometimes people repeat misinformation propagated by a public source, such as those who pass along false info from shady politicians. Stating information as though it is true without finding out from a credible source also touches on the idea of spreading rumors without verification: another big Craigslist no-no.

2. Misrepresentation
Users sometimes try to pass one thing off as another or even misrepresent who they are. For example: on the New York page, brokers and agents often post to the Owners’ section – not realizing that this is really out-of-line.

1. Over-posting
An extremely common problem is posting far more than guidelines allow - such as posting the same things in different sections and re-posting over and over to bump a listing up.


Craig Says:

• "Every category in every city has own culture, so look around at what the acceptable standards are and then just be consistent."
• "Basically, I just trust people to do what’s right for them and those around them."

Since he's too nice to be so crass, we'll do it for him:

Don't be a dick.