Monday, June 2, 2008

Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line

Public events and venues are notorious for lacking in one very universal, very important feature: adequate restrooms.

This being the case, here are the Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line to ensure that no one goes postal over the last lavatory:

First-Come, First-Served
Whether there is a line, crowd, velvet rope or even a "now serving #42" system in place, know this: everyone who is present when you arrive has a god-given right to go before you.

Tip: in the case of unisex bathrooms or festival Port-a-Potty's, opt for the line with the most males. That's not sexist: they simply tend to move faster due to their um, *ahem* equipment.

The Loo is NOT a Conference Room
Not when there are a disproportionate number of restrooms, anyway. If this is some swank spot with posh facilities, then have at it. Go cry, laugh, gossip and make mischief all you want. But if there are throngs of people leaning against walls or hopping around with crossed legs and looks of anguish about them, do us all a favor and make it snappy.

You can do your damned makeup and talk with your lady-friend over near the mirrors, for crissakes.

You Must Be At Least This Tall For This Ride

Kids are slow, messy, clueless, rude and stinky. So don't send your unaccompanied tyke off to a high-tension line for a public bathroom unless you mean to punish them. After all, we shan't be held responsible for ridiculing any defenseless little wanker who pulls his skivvies down below his arse at a standing urinal.

No comment officer. They can't prove anything.

No Target Practice
When "evacuating" into toilet fellas? Lift the damned seat. We're ashamed that we even have to tell you this, but we've been to far too many public toilets only to find your little dribblet gifts left in a most inconsiderate manner all over the seat and floor.

Learning how to properly pee pee is usually a toddler-age feat, so get it together already, ya jerks!

Fist Bumps Only
Wash your damned hands, ya filthy animal. No really. Please. And since public events often don't provide the best facilities, consider popping a couple of wet-naps in your pocket or snagging a small bottle of hand sanitizer on your way out the door.

Until you can make a habit of basic cleanliness, we'll pass on the high-fives, mmkay? Yeah, thaaaanks.

Head to the head before you feel you really need to. You'll thank us later when, as your bladder starts to burrow out of your abdomen, you find that you're finally next in line for the loo.

Cut in line, bring friends in with you, or do anything at all other than urinate, defecate and evacuate!

Photo Credits:
kate e. did - Bathroom Lines
Orphaned Ideas
- No Pee On Floor sign


Kate said...

Thanks for using my photo! This is a great post...very funny.