Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Craigslist Etiquette Part III: Personals

Craigslist Etiquette
Part III: Personals

In this third and final installment of the "Craigslist Etiquette" interview series, Craig Newmark sets the record straight about the Craigslist Personals category...

Is it safe to say that basically the entire Personals section is "Not Safe for Work" (NSFW)?

Craig Newmark:
That actually depends upon the section. For example, "Men Seeking Men" (m2m) often has the most complaints, whereas "Women Seeking Women" (w2w) may actually be the best self-policing section on the entire site.

Is it good etiquette to include a photo of oneself along with a personals post?
Depends on the specific situation. For example, if you’re trying to connect with others based upon what you're about, maybe start with words and follow with photos later on.

What about including photos of, say, other relevant body parts?

Off hand, uh - I’d say it’s probably a bad idea.

Or a photo from five years ago?
Or ten?! This also goes back to the Golden Rule: treat people like you want to be treated, remembering that different people have different sensitivities and ideas about what’s okay.

Are inappropriate photos flagged the most?
There are actually bigger problems than photos that are not safe for work and users consistently tell us to prioritize.

Especially because some of the ugliest things I’ve seen were actually over in the discussion forums. People sometimes get a little nasty with each other, which bothers me more.

So we have a, uh, *ahem* friend who wanted to, er - that is - this friend of ours wanted us to ask:
There's a section for
Jobs and a section for “Casual Encounters,” but what if I wanted to get a job...IN casual encounters?
Well if it's a job doing that, then it sounds illegal and we definitely don’t want it on the site!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Craigslist Etiquette, Part II: For Sale

Craigslist Etiquette
Part II: For Sale

In this second installment of Craig Newmark's "Craigslist Etiquette" interview series, Craig enlightens readers to considerate mannerisms in the Craigslist For Sale category...

It's super-annoying how some people respond to a sales listing once, and then disappear completely. Do you think people should provide “closure” after expressing interest or is it acceptable etiquette to simply disappear?

Craig Newmark:

This definitely falls under the umbrella of "treating others as you want to be treated," which I interpret as: Yes, you should close the loop. Don’t leave people hanging.

In real life however, it is sometimes hard to do that. And remember: email is not a completely reliable form of communication!

Other bad manners we've observed on the site include:

Misleading sales descriptions or
postings for items that were already sold but not taken down
Again, Golden Rule – here I’d say that means that you should be honest in your ads

Third-party solicitors offering to “help” sell a high-ticket item in exchange for a percentage of the sale price
When it comes to being solicited in any manner, there are a number of gray areas. But if you’re approaching someone other than in the way they indicated then that even gets into deceptive advertising or spam.

We're faced with challenge of running open and democratic system. There are very few bad people but there are bad people.

It's like what Jon Stewart says: you hear more from extremists because moderates actually have stuff to do!

Any other etiquette tips for the Sales section?
Some of the ones I hear most users are:
  • Don't post in all capital letters
  • Remove listings when they are settled
  • And if you commit to selling something, follow through with it! Even if someone else comes through with a higher offer.
Thanks for clarifying that Craig.

Now that it's official, message to Craigslist poster "SoxRoxr36:"

Why you didn't call us when we was 'posed to swap for those Carrot Top tickets, man?? Ain't right. Just ain't right.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Craigslist Etiquette by Craig Newmark, Part I

After a whopping 13 years online, Craig Newmark, founder of, still answers user e-mails directly as a part of the customer service team. That means that he not only wrote the book on the quick-and-dirty online classified ad community, but he's also its veteran editor.

Since Craigslist caters mostly to city-dwellers, we asked Craig to lay down the law for readers and stake out some official...

Craigslist Etiquette
(Part I of III)

The entirety of proper Craigslist etiquette falls under Craig's take on The Golden Rule:
"Treat people like you want to be treated." The Craig himself was kind enough to break that down for us...

What is it about CL that attracts so many visitors?

Craig Newmark:
We have this culture of trust – based on that golden rule – and our site is simple and effective.

What is the most-misused part of the site?
Oh, I don’t know! So much of the removal is automatic, so I don’t have a chance to see that. We focus less on what is being abused and more on ensuring that users have the power to remove abuse.

Top user complaint

Speaking of, is that “flagging” system of self-policing as effective at deterring spam and inappropriate postings as you would like it to be?
We need it to be better, but we’re working on it. The intent is to get way ahead of the curve.

Are you able to offer any insight into how the system works such as: are there are certain number of flags required before CL staff will review a post?
There is actually no monitoring involved from the Craigslist end. It is all automated. If enough people flag an ad, it is automatically removed.

Has CL ever had to ban people?
Now and then we do block people, as best we can. Some people are severely abusive one way or another and when reasoning with them doesn’t work, they simply have to go.

What is the BEST thing about running a site like Craigslist?
The general feeling is that we’re helping millions of people out with everyday stuff.

The Three Biggest Craigslist Community Faux-Pas:
3. Uninformed Debate
Sometimes people repeat misinformation propagated by a public source, such as those who pass along false info from shady politicians. Stating information as though it is true without finding out from a credible source also touches on the idea of spreading rumors without verification: another big Craigslist no-no.

2. Misrepresentation
Users sometimes try to pass one thing off as another or even misrepresent who they are. For example: on the New York page, brokers and agents often post to the Owners’ section – not realizing that this is really out-of-line.

1. Over-posting
An extremely common problem is posting far more than guidelines allow - such as posting the same things in different sections and re-posting over and over to bump a listing up.

Craig Says:
  • "Every category in every city has own culture, so look around at what the acceptable standards are and then just be consistent."
  • "Basically, I just trust people to do what’s right for them and those around them."

Since he's too nice to be so crass, we'll do it for him:
Don't be a dick.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Apartment Living 101: Loud Music

Music is a beautiful thing. But not at 4 in the morning.

Unless you own your own place, that is. Then wail away, Hendrix.

But if your humble abode is attached to other abodes of humbleness, you should know better than to rock Madonna's latest single after bar time.

You should. But since you don't, let us lay it on ya:

Play your music...and play it out loud!

Play music (recording OR instruments!) at high decibels and inappropriate times.

We're not going to spell it out any further here. This one you can figure out. Weekends are generally cool and understandable, but 3 a.m. on a weekend night is still not kosher as christmas you jag-off.

So the next time you come stumbling from the bar, go straight to your bathroom medicine cabinet and open it. There you will find the note you wrote yourself saying:

Check the time.
If after midnight,
No drunken renditions of
Johnny Cash on the
Un-tuned guitar!

While you're in there, grab two Ibuprofen (you'll thank us tomorrow) and then head over to your Guitar Hero instead.

Friday, April 18, 2008


It's Friday so we wanted to send a little shout-out to the guy you will see everywhere; the quintessential chode who continues to provide fodder for humorists everywhere:

The Douchebag.

Bobby Quick related a first-person close call earlier this week and due to that post and other repeated references to various instances of douchebaggery, reader-fan RexManningDay and even the good folk over at The Phat Phree provided the following to help us commemorate the infamy of The Chaach and his economy-sized bag of douche...

No account on this subject would be complete without an excerpt from the original, most eloquently- and hilariously-written accounts of Le Douche: Look At My Striped Shirt!

Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!

I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!

I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!

I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!

I will valet tonight!

I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!

See the full, original material at:

RexManningDay had this to contribute, which rings true in far too many ways:

So when you're out tonight after having worked for the weekend, pay you no mind to the popped-collars, pom-aded-to-hell hairspikes, conch-shell necklaces, man-bracelets (macelets?) and general douchebagarino-osity surrounding you. Just snap a quick cell phone photo, send it in to us (or to and enjoy the show.

Oh, and a word of advice: if after copious amounts of drinks you somehow find yourself at John Barleycorn or Estelle' like hell!

Happy Friday,

Top 5 Reasons to Buy Lunch (not bring it to the office)

Top Five Reasons to Purchase Lunch Anew Each Day:
(rather than bringing it and storing it in the nasty communal fridge)

1. That mystery meat sandwich in the back of the office fridge crept closer to your yogurt since you last looked...30 seconds ago.

2. Someone keeps stealing the best item in all of the packed lunches. Pretttttty sure it's Joel in accounts receivable, but alas - no proof. Even checked fingers for Hostess Cupcake remnants and cubicle trash can for Twinkie dice.

3. That smell. Dear God, that smell!
Who's job is it to clean the office refrigerator? Oh yeah...nobody's.

4. Tired of rearranging the 56 items all over again just so a leftover muffaletta will fit.

5. Not having to put your effing name on everything!

*Photo courtesy of

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Men's Bathroom Etiquette

Some uber-creative-types literally illustrated the finer points of Men's Bathroom Etiquette using some Sims characters to act it out and it's hilarious - enjoy!

It's Hawaiian Shirt Day in the Urb-Et offices...which means, of course, Tequila!!
If you cannot see the video, here's the full link:

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Bobby Quick: Where the pussy at?

Dear "Bros" that are at bars I tend to frequent,

First off...I'd like to crap in yer brew. When I was going out to have a cigarette and you asked me so elegantly "hey....where's the pussy at?" that was disrespectful and rude to my female peeps (yeah mother fucker...I said peeps).

Then, to make stupid stupider you said "is it upstairs?" And at that point I actually looked up the stairs.


I felt like that dog - you know when you go to throw the ball but you don't actually throw the ball but he runs after it anyway...

But most of all I'm pissed that you caught me off guard cuz I was drunk. When I heard that, I was like "yeah...where the fuck is the pussy at?" And that drunken barbaric response really got me thinking...

In retrospect, there were so many things I could have said to your inquiry pertaining to "the pussy" and "where it was at" such as:
"in my pants, bitch"
"oh shit thats right I left it in the right back"
"usually below the belly button...i'm sure you'll find it"
"super-glued to the back of your balls"
...but I digress.

I guess what i'm trying to say is you're a douchebag and I would appreciate you not talking to me or anyone I've ever known but if you do...don't.

In closing I would to thank you for letting us bask in your amazing tan and super-pom-aided hair. Thank you for your mad crazy awesome designer button up striped shirts that are so tight that guess what...boop!...turkey's done ya dick.

Most of all thank you for making the male gender look so god damn awesome.

Drop it like it's hott,
~Bobby Quick

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hitting On Women 101: Commuters

It embarasses the editors of this site to even have to mention this. But for those of you without a clue, here's one for free:

Women display outward body language signals when they do not wish to be bothered during their commute.
Since it is obvious that these signals are not universally known, allow us to spell it the hell out for you with a few examples:
  • Zoning out to headphones
  • Reading a book / magazine
  • Talking / Texting on a cell phone

...especially if she goes back to the headphones, reading materials, phone after spurning your lame-o advances.

The general guidelines here are simple...


Toss that swell-looking dame a line. Preferably not a funny-but-largely-unsuccessful one like "are your pants made of mirrors? ...cuz I can see myself in them." If you toss a line and she catches it, proceed with conversation.


Proceed without acknowledgment. If you attempt contact and are denied, leave her alone!

Don't be That Guy who continues hitting on her when she's rolling her eyes, looking away, keeping the headphones on, or concentrating on that book/magazine/iPod/cell phone/back of hand rather than meeting your creep-tastic gaze.

Get a clue, leave her be and head home to grab that Striped Shirt before heading out to Estelle's.

Cute dog...poo.

We're gonna sound like parents here, but this is important: Animals are people too.

Why the random declaration?

Because we don't think many of you fuggers quite realize what you're getting into when you decide to adopt a dog. And if you're the kind of jerkass who can't even pick up the feces your little designer pup produces, then PLEASE, for the love of all things good and whole do not reproduce!

That said, pick up the damned poo your dog makes. That's it. There's no clever or kitchy aspect to this. Just do it!

If your dog poops, pick it up. We don't care if it's on the grass, near a tree, on the curb, near a car or right out on the open on the effing sidewalk!

Walk your dog (and often). And be extra patient with your pets if you happen to leave them alone at home for an extended period of time and they make a doodie in the house. Because remember: that's YOUR fault!

Let your dog crap on the sidewalk and then leave it there. Period.
It's disgusting, selfish, lazy and downright wrong. We hope we catch someone doing this so we can get it on tape and get your sorry ass face on-camera to post for all the world to see.
Because there's no excuse for it!

If you adopt a pet, you're adopting all of the things that go with it: care, love, joy and yes even the pain-in-the-ass redundant daily upkeep chores like picking up its crap!

Monday, April 14, 2008

Waiting In Line (the right way)

Not sure why this isn't common sense, but people: figure out how to form a line without getting in the damned way!

It's very simple: don't form a line out into a walkway.
That's it! That's all there is to it! This is so ridiculous that we certainly wouldn't bother if it were as obvious to the general public as it should be. Seriously - just line up in such a way that you're alongside a wall or otherwise out of the way.

Aggravating example #1: The Post Office on Tax Day
We know you're in a hurry. So are we. We all procrastinated until the last minute.

But help us out here... We already want to Go Postal (literally), but don't fuel the fire by lining up across the open room and in front of the damned door or paperwork kiosk! We already have it in for The Man. Don't line up into our crosshairs, for cryng out loud!

Aggravating example #2: ATM Lines
If the ATM is out on the street and you're waiting in line to use it, for cripes' sake *move the hell alongside the wall rather than perpetuating a line that juts out into the sidewalk. Sidewalks are for walking. People can't walk when your punk arse is standing in the way.

*Caveat: do NOT stand right next to the person at the ATM! Give them some space so they don't think you're trying to nab their PIN! ...unless you're trying to nab their PIN. In which case, claims no responsibility for Identity Theft.

Aggravating example #3: Grocery Store Lines
When possible, curve your line around (alongside cashier product displays, etc) rather than straight out from the cashier so that you're not lining up into an area that is intended for passersby.

We realize that many grocery stores are not well-designed for this. That is not your fault. But you can help by simply being aware of the flow of foot-traffic around you and by doing your best to stay out of the way.

Believe us: if you get in the way of a socialite debutante and her crumpets at Whole Foods - you're asking for it!
Form lines. Lines are the commonly-accepted way to wait your turn. Goooood etiquetter, you get a biscuit.

Form lines out into walkways. Again, you can't always help it, but most of the time you can stay out of the way of pedestrians by simply lining up using common sense.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Margaret Foster: I should be on clear liquor by now.

Editor's Note:
This requires a tad of explanation. See, Margaret Foster is a drunk. The real kind. The brush-your-teeth with toothpaste and vodka kind.

Anyway, sometimes she rants. Since we have such fun listening to her hilarious and completely random rantings, this week we had to type them out for her. We now return you to The Margaret Foster Show...already in progress.

...and what's with thiss stupid music anyway? Who's this band? Maroon 5? More like Maroon Suck.

That's it! I've had it! Write this down, ya potzer...


1. No Maroon 5 in public places.
Play that crap on your own time. This is time for drinking, not whiny pop.

2. No cheerleaders.
Especially now that they beat people up or whatever.

3. Nearly Tax Day: Why am I still on dark liquor?
I should have moved onto clear liquor by now. But I'm still stuck on browns. It's gaa-damned clear liquor calendar-wise but still dark liquor temperatures outside!

4. Tip? I got'cher tip right he-ah...
Screw the bartender! Just get me my drink! Yeah, I'll give ya a tip. Like a big, fat Washington! Hell, you get paid to bartend. You should be paying me for all of the entertainment!

5. The Marge Diet
Wanna get into swimsuit shape easy? I gotcha: Liquid Diet. Forget food. Overrated. Well, ya need at least somethin like one meal a week, but the rest? All alcohol. Trust 'ol Marge. She knows best.

And if you want a fun drinking game this weekend, play The Masters Drinking Game. It's easy. Goes like this: Every time they say "Tiger," drink one.

That's it. You'll be right-toasted by the fifth hole.
...which is good. Cuz then you amateurs can go the hell home and give us professionals more room at the bar.

"Atta girl!"
~Margaret Foster

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Schizophrenic or Wireless Headset?

It's happened again.

We nearly pissed ourselves last night when this monster of a man came out of the alleyway roaring with what could be construed as laughter - though it sounded more like the laughter of a psychotic person who just finished severing a human limb.

He was mumbling something to himself while pacing our gait just behind us as we progressed down the sidewalk. Thankfully it was a busy street, but hey - in the city, one just never knows.

As we stopped to turn down our sidestreet, he went roaring, grunting and mumbling by. Only then did we realize the dude was wearing a freaking Bluetooth headset and he was actually on the effing phone!

Yeah, so we're wusses. So what! Shattup, you! You're not the boss of us!

He was like, seven feet tall. a giant and stuff. With, everything. And the look in his eyes was menacing behind that winter hat / masks that covered most of his face. And the sounds coming out of him were barely human. And...and...and...

*sigh* Sheesh.

What ever happened to the good old days when a person talking to himself was just a garden-variety nutzo?

Nowadays ya can't even tell the difference between someone who is psychotic and someone who just holds odd conversations on a wireless bluetooth headset in public!

Obviously some people agree with me on this and one in particular has a solution:
"We need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless."
--ba dum BLOGger

Could be could be THIS guy:

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Elevator Ettiquette Round 1: It goes up and down. Figure it out.

We, like many of you, work in offices.

Offices with people. Big people, little people...regardless of their size, they are annoying. It is especially irritating when one of you peasants interrupts our elevator ride.

The elevator ride up to the office is the last little piece of heaven before we have to open the big steel door and go pony up for "The Man."

So please - don't piss us off so we can hold our shit together until at least 10:00 a.m. and not flip out before our ventigusto machocranberri fraps pump us full of overly-sugared, syrupy, crack a-la legal .

(We know we're cheating a lil' bit since this doesn't apply just to city folk, but we've already had a long day, its only 2:30, and it's either do this or pretend to work. And since they just blocked Scrabulous on our office computers, we're f**cked.)

Ok - we're ready now that we re-aranged all of the action figures on our desk to make sure they are in battle stance (yes we're nerds!).

1.Elevator Occupants Out First!
Hey Mr. Middle Management - we know you are super excited to get to work for another round of severances, but how about you slow down and let the people in the elevator out first before you bum-rush the open doors and practically hump their legs on the way in?

Athough we didn't do well in math and physics, we sure can tell you there's no room for your Stetson-smelling, animal-tie-wearing, pit-stained self in the elevator until the original occupants get out.

And how about giving them some room! Just because you're not running into them doesn't mean you still aren't still being an ass. Give them ROOM to exit. Unless said occupants have personalized jet packs and can fly over your fat ass, move it over!

2. Do not eat in the elevator!
Man oh man - that double stacker tuna casserole sandwich you just bought in the cafeteria sure does look good but how about you keep it in the bag there bucko, rather than opening it on the elevator.

Whatever you do, just keep the god-dammed lunch bag closed. We can already faintly smell the sandwich and hear you smacking your lips in delight as you dream about shoving that artery-clogging monstrosity you call lunch in that cheeto-stained hole on your face.

You can wait the 90 or so seconds it takes to get to your floor and then the addtional 30 seconds it takes to get to your cube to open your lunch. We're certain your co-workers won't be happy about it either, but that is an entirely different blog for later.

Your lunch = your business...but please don't eat in the elevator and make your fellow passengers want to throw you on the ground along with your sandwich wrapper.

3.The elevator is not a clown car!
Yes, elevators have weight capacity guidelines posted on that little inspection sheet in the corner, but that doesn't mean 1200 pounds is the "goal weight" of the elevator!

No, we're not going to weigh you before you get in. Just pay attention to your surroundings and the other people you are getting on the elevator with. The last thing we want is to get stuck on this puppy with Cheeto Face and Sweaty Mid-Management Man for a good hour while they try to get us out with the jaws of life cause we broke the effing elevator.

Elevator Patrick Bateman would use.

If said elevator is too gosh darn full, then wait another two minutes ther, Sparky - you won't die but your double stacker tuna cassarole sandwich may get cold.

Beatings on camera: mis-mannered or felonious?

We're often overwhelmingly aghast at the subjects we need to clarify as mis-mannered. Seriously folks? Beating down some fellow cheerleader and sending her ass to the hospital with an effing concussion and busted eye-sockets?

Bad cheerleader! No Pom-Pon!

Once in a while however, the most serious and dubious of behaviors are underscored by the current event landscape.

This "Cheerleader Ambush Beating" is one such case.

It goes without saying that it is in poor taste to hit people (yes, even cab drivers). But this kind of story underlines an extremely alarming mindset trend:

I'll do anything to be famous.

...which is exactly what these girls wanted. They stated, outright, that the purpose of this beating and video was to post the footage on YouTube.

And why do people post vids of themselves on YouTube? For their 15 minutes of fame. Awfully dastardly aim for a gaggle of effing cheerleaders, no?

Who knew all of those Spirit Finger slips up the spankies were building up such aggression?!

We suggest that aspiring cheer-stars stick to finding the best "flyers" and leave the Spirit Stick to pep rallies, not bludgeonings.

Uh, rally yer team like, and stuff.

Effing beat the piss out of each other! Or, if you do, at least make it a fair fight one-on-one.

And c'mon: at least use a damned kiddie pool and some K-Y jelly, for crying out loud.
Click HERE for the full story from this mornings edition of The Today Show.

Full raw video footage found HERE, though it is missing sound for some reason...we're working on finding that.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Suburbanite's Guide to Not Sucking in the City

You stick out like a sore thumb.

Not because of your directionless meanderings, horrific driving or even your disastrous attire (which is comically entertaining). No, you stick out like a sore thumb because we keep coming this close to running into you.

What's with the abrupt stops on the sidewalk? Do you walk around your 'burb like that? Oh yeah. Suburbanites don't walk. We forgot.

That's okay. We understand. After all, there's nowhere to walk to in the suburbs cuz there ain't a damn thing to see or do!

That's why we put together this list of guidelines for you. So you have a simple list for your immensely frustrating forays into metropolitan culture and events.

The Surburbanite's Guide to Not Sucking in the City
Or, How Not to get Shanked by Those You're Driving Crazy with Your Retarded and Aimless Behavior.

1. Learn how to parallel park.
We know there are no curbs in the 'burbs. Or at least very few. But kiddos - you must learn how to effing parallel park!

It's a simple staple of life in the city. Take the damned train if you can't figure it out. That, or trade in your manhood for one of those self-parallel-parking Lexuseses (Lexi?).

2. Take it aside.

If you're walking along on the street with your brood, watch where you're freaking going!

And, for the love of all things holy and true, do NOT stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk or street when you realize you don't know where the hell you're going!

Or if you feel like talking to your companions, kindly move out of the way before stopping to converse. It's not rocket-science. It's simple consideration and survival. If you don't want to get tazered, move the hell out of the way. Period.
*Special Thanks to reader Biz on this point. Check out her
spec-freaking-tacular hand-made wares at:
**Special Shout-Out to the Facebook Group: "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow-Walking People in the Back of the Head." Now there's a group of people we'd like to buy a drink...or six.

3. Take a breather.
You know you have a 45-minute+ drive ahead of you when you're finished with your raucous visit in the city. So please-oh-please-oh-please budget some extra time to sober the hell up before you hop back into your BMW Z4 and put everyone's lives in danger all the way back out to ____ Park or ____ Lake.

4. Don't be That Guy.
You know what we're talking about. And although you'd never admit it. You know when you're being That Guy.

The guy who wears the T-shirt of the band he's about to go see. The guy who not only ogles women who are significantly younger than him (dude, she's sixteen), but also hurls ridiculous comments and pick-up lines toward her and hilariously Chaach-eriffic physical threats toward bouncers, fellow drinkers and, when in the right mood - even your own companions.

Being a chode wasn't even cool in high school. Too bad you never grew out of it. Here's business card for the Hair Club for Men. Kindly go funk yourself.

5. Download Google Maps to your cell phone.

We also know that you're perpetually lost whenever you come to the city. So do yourself a favor and Click Here to visit Google's download page for the mobile version of Google Maps.

This way, you can have an exact map of where you are and where you want to go, as well as easy access to the nearest coffee shop, sushi restaurant or even visual traffic updates. Of course, you could always ask one of us shady hoodlums for directions. But then again: mama always said we city-folk are all bad'uns, now didn't she?

p.s. - Mapquest is a punk-ass chump!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Margaret Foster: Drinking Season Spring Training

Our newest contributing editor Margaret Foster knows a thing or twelve about drinking. Unfortunately (fortunately?) for us, it also means we have to bribe her with booze to keep her at the computer long enough to write her posts.

So without further adieu, allow her Royal Drunkardness to learn you in the ways of Drinking Season Spring Training Tips:

Ease Into It
Jus' cause it's getting warm out, duddn't mean it's all-out crazy-time. If you're a semi-pro, stay home and let us professionals handle this.

Dress The Part
This is the pre-season, kids. I'ss too early for all that billowy, linen-y crap ya'll bought on sale when visiting family in Florida this winter. And NO damn flip-flops, shorts or lil' designer "jackets" that are juss' an extra layer'a stupid.

Start Early
More sunlight means starting earlier so get with the damn program. The program called the Secret Unwritten Drunkness Society (S.U.D.S.) but shhhh, I didn'tt tell ya that.

Park It
And, fer cryin' out loud! Park your stupid car early! You know, deep inside your 'bout-ta-be-booze-filled gut ya shouldn't be drivin later. And that there's no way you really came to meet all these people for "just one drink."

What the hell does "just one" mean anyway? Ol' Marge don't know thaawone. Them's famous lasss words anyways.

Keep it Civ'lized
Er, what does that mean again? Aw crap. I juss like that word. I'sss a funny word, civ'lized. Civ'lized this, civ'lized that...civ'lized all over her drunken cat.

Oh yeah! What I was gonsta say was that I was gonna say not be a jerk if there's no outdoor seating at your chosen water-hole. It's barely over 50 degerees outside, so don't be a whiny bibiach!

...srry I've had a few while typing thissssssssssss 1...

Slow Ride
Like I said to that boy yestaday I says to him, I says:

"boyy! What're ya sixteen er somesuch nonesuch? Put the damned
convertible top back up on on this piece'a piss! Nobody's cares ya gotta
damn convertible. Ain't no car gonna change'a fact thaat'cher ugly!"

Parity Paradox
More fun words! Say 'em ten times fasss and'a next onesson me! All I meants was:
Why the HELL ya readin when ya couldbe drinkinn!?!? that damn keyboard outta my way, I can t reach my drink...

"Atta girl!"
~Margaret Foster

Shadenfreude: To the "People" who Spit Phlegm into the Water Fountain

You make me sick.

There is nothing more disgusting than going to get a drink of water and seeing your slop stuck in the drain holes.

My left eyeball does not want to be one inch from your throat goo. Spit it into the garbage, or a napkin, ANYWHERE but the water fountain – or I will have no choice but to rape your children.

What convinces someone to do this anyway?

Do you not notice your neck mud until you go for a sip? Do you consciously seek this area out as a receptacle? Either way, what you are doing is horribly wrong.

Just because something looks like a drain doesn't mean you can toss your hazmat slime onto it.

Do you poop in the shower? Do you piss in the kitchen sink? Why do you deposit your slop in the same basin where we have to put our faces to get life-sustaining liquid?

You should have been aborted. Period.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

That Pregnant Woman Deserves a Seat More Than You.

That lady with a big tummy? Yeah, she's pregnant.

She could probably use a seat. Your seat. In fact, we'd go so far as to insist that unless you are disabled in some way (Chaach Gene overdrive doesn't count), you should give her your seat.
We know. No, we get it. You were there first, it's rightfully yours, yadda yadda, blah blah.

There's one simple response to every excuse: don't be a dick!

This is a tough one because it requires actual, physical awareness of one's surroundings. Apparently, this is quite a lot to ask of some folks.

But while you're zoning out your sea of newspapers, magazines, messenger bags, laptops and/or iPod earbuds, you should really be aware of what is going on around you.

That's just good advice for anyone, anywhere. If some shady character enters your bus or your train (tube?!) car, you should know about it just in case. It's a matter of personal safety.

Well that slightly round woman is definitely a shady character.
She's definitely hiding something.

Could it be the devil-spawn slowly forming in her womb? The morning sickness she's ready to distribute if she stands for five more minutes? Her utter contempt for the man who did this to her? The bubbling, festering rage burning just below the blank face and slight smile?

No comment.

We don't know and hell, we don't wanna know! Neither do you, so just get up and offer your seat if you know what's good for you. Trust us.

Give up your seat to child-bearers (womb-tastic, infantile, and toddler-iffic alike) the elderly, the handicapped and the utterly, unbearably psychotic.

Be selfish and ignore someone in need simply because you were there first. Call it Karma. Call it good will toward mankind. Hell call it effing "Suzy" if you want! Whatever you call it. Just move.