Friday, June 27, 2008

Spitting On The Sidewalk

Hey fugger! Thanks for the loogie on our shoes! We can't wait to track it into our house!

We're so happy we get to bring a little bit of YOU along with us that we could just die!

Seriously. If you must hock your guts up and let fly with some nasty lung-butter in public, please at least do so in the grass, off of the curb, in the street.

It's not sanitary. It's not nice. In fact, it's downright disgusting and you're an effing sumnabitch and your woman is going to leave you because you're a nasty mutha and you're ugly. And you smell.

Expel bodily fluids from your person...preferably at home.

Hock one right onto the middle of the sidewalk, while waiting in a line, next to / in front of newspaper kiosks, ATMs, doorways...

Get a clue, sicko. We hope you end up at a drinking fountain which one of your brethren has already visited.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Wash your hands, ya filthy animal!

Actual, serious comment overheard in a Wrigley Field bathroom:

"Why do guys even wash their hands? It's not even worth it."
Word to the not-so-wise: Just because it's attached to you doesn't mean it's clean.

So wash your damned hands, you sick sumnabitch!

We know we've touched on this issue before, but we felt it deserved its own post since some people are obviously deluded about the merits of cleanliness. But make no mistake: refusing to wash your hands after touching your own no-no spots constitutes Urban fucking Terrorism!

After all, that means you just had your paws all over your Johnson, for crissakes! So 'ol boy is just going to head on back to his seat to give his buddies some high-fives, huh? Go team!

That little concave round thing over there with the spout and the hole? Yeah, it's called a sink. And NO, running some water over them doesn't count as "washing." Use some soap, you filthy fuck.

No more high-fives, dude. Hell, not even fist-bumps. Not after we just saw you exit a stall and then skedaddle sans sanitation.

And just how in the hell can you feel justified in leaving the room without washing after having been in a nasty public bathroom stall, anyway?! We hope you're heading to the nacho stand. Be sure to lick all that excess cheese off of your fingers while you're at it.

Effing sickos.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Stacey: Christmas Eve weekend at Duffy McFlannigan's

Ladiieeesss!!! Come on girls, let's make this one count. Ashley, get your waxed beaver over here, girlfriend!

These are the best days of our lives girls: community college, syphillis, bisexuality, wow chicas, I guess we've been through it all together.

Now I know this is the BEST remix of "My Humps" playing right now, but we absolutely haaaaave to get a picture of all us girls together. Now this cute little ethnic peasant has volunteered to take it for us. Hurry girls!! Burrito, or whatever his name is, has tables to bus!

I have to say, we have quite the gang girlfriends! Nikki here is working hard towards her associates in business. Whoo, that deserves a chocolate martini toast! Friends forever, cha-ching!!

Amber, it's been a hard road for you girl, but you managed to have yet another miscarriage. I don't know how you manage to ooze those things out, but I think you are soooo strong. You know, children are precious, and I know you'll be a wonderful mom one day, You know, like when you're ready. Love you sweetie!

Trina, what are you doing chica? Is that your usual pucker, mike's hard lemonade, and ephedra cocktail? Why is that black guy trying to give you a Smirnoff Ice colonic? Whatever, he's Puerto Rican, you know I'm not racist I love Will Smith!!

Anyways girl, pose now, spray later! This one's definitely going in our friendship scrapbook!

Leslie, hun, I wanted to pull you aside and tell you this. I think you're so brave sweetie......if I only had half the strength you did. You froze off those genital warts like the little Queen Frostine you knew you had in you all along. I love you girl, always remember DMB '04. I know you'll totally be standing up in my wedding when I find Mr. Right. But for now, I'm all about Mr. Wrong, so click the pic, spic!!!!!

So what do you girls wanna do, it's last call. Get a few milkshakes at Denny's, then vomit them up? Feel each other up in the parking lot and get a group of bouncers to watch? Call up our exes, blow them, and cry ourselves to sleep?

Whatever it is, we're gonna do it together, and it's going straight to the friendship scrapbook! Now let's make this last grinding session count!

Ready, set, make out!!!!!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Lauren Conrad + Whitney Port + Blindfold + Camera = ...bowling?

Talk about let-downs. While perusing a news site ("news" site is more like it), we came across the top portion of a photo that continued down off of the screen.

Imagine the excitement over the utter potential of such a risque shot when one only sees this much:

Holy Moses! Is that how they really get down when the cameras aren't around?! There's obviously a much better show to be shot here!

But then, as disappointing as yet another redundant, predictable underscored-with-the-latest-pop-single "drama" breakdown, one scrolls to view the shot in its entirety:

Photo Credit:
Chris Polk / FilmMagic

Just when you think some paparazzo finally scores a half-decent shot of some worthwhile "reality," your hopes are dashed yet again.

Two Spoiled Chicas + A Blindfold + Cameras = ?

Equals...effing BOWLING??

C'mon MTV. You're supposed to be good at this sort of thing. Hell, according to you, it's hotter over on the set of equally-if-not-more-retarded Shot at Love with Tila Tequila and her hell-minions / "love interests" than it is in sunny southern California.

The Etiquette Scoop:
The (admittedly pliable) ethics of photojournalism dictate that a photo presented as part of a news story should be a near-perfect representation of the real event.

Placing a photo on a website in such a way that it is effectively cropped by its layout can drastically change the perspective of the photo.

Photographers who do so are certainly effective...if not dastardly.

To photographers who cheat with layout tricks:
We Hate Your Fucking Guts.
...but damn do we respect you.

Photograph celebs. We all love the guilty pleasure, dammit. And anyone who says otherwise is downright lying.

Misappropriate your photographic scoop with tricksy website placement.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Quickie: No Paying with Change on the Bus!

A Friday Quickie...

Ride public transportation. Shared transport is good for the environment and can actually serve as quite the enterntaining way to get around.

Pay with change on the bus.

To clarify, pay however you'd like. But do NOT nudge your way to the front of the line for the bus, only to pull out a fat wad of change and proceed to count it out coin by coin!

Think about what you're doing, you selfishisto! In your utter selfishness, you've left the rest of us to melt in the sweltering heat like Buttahface McGee ovah- heah!

Take yo' Fergalicious ass to the END of the line if you've got a coinpurse full of fare, got it?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Rules of Taxi Cab Etiquette

Taking a cab should be a simple process:

1. Flag down cab
2. Enter & give destination address
3. Arrive, pay & exit

But certain factors have complicated the process. That's why we've set the record straight with these Rules of Taxi Cab Etiquette

Rule #1: My Way or the Highway

If you have a preferred route in mind, the cabbie is obligated to take it. S/he is welcome to object (preferably by offering a more efficient alternate route) but in the end, the fare's preference rules the ride. If said route is ignored and your ride subsequently takes longer / costs more, you then reserve the right to pay less than the displayed fare.

This rule also applies to an experienced cabbie "accidentally" taking a wrong turn / incorrect off-ramp that then adds additional time and cost to the trip.

Rule #2: The Red Carpet Exit

Upon arriving on any busy street, think of exiting the cab as arriving on the red carpet: you should be exiting on the sidewalk side only. Climbing across the seat may not be the most comfortable or convenient way, but this is for your safety and the safety and liability of the cabbie and other motorists.

Rule #3: First Right of Clown-Car Refusal

If you approach a waiting cab rolling five deep+, you cannot be angry if the cab refuses to take all of you in the same car. After all, it is incredibly illegal, very obvious to John Q. Law and carries a hefty fine...for the cab, not for you, slick!

Rule #4: Picture Me Rollin' - The Taxi Soundtrack

You (the fare) have the right to request a radio station, but it's the cabbie's car so unfortunately your request can be denied or ignored. However, you do have the right to dictate the volume of anything playing in the back seat during your ride.

Rule #5: Women Don't Date Cabbies

So you can just stop hitting on every fare with a vagina who enters your vehicle. See "Hitting On Women 101: Commuters" for further clarification, as the same guidelines apply.

Basically, you can tell from the first two come-ons if she's interested. So stop picking-up and start the road!

Driving in two lanes, jerking across the road, ignoring turn-signal use and honking at other motorists for your own mistakes are all obvious signs that you could use some additional concentration on the actual driving process and less on your depressing attempts to snag a fare's digits.

Trust us, she's only giving you the Rejection Hotline number anyway.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Arguing: Not just for in-private anymore!

Go 'head girl. Give that boy hell. He done didjou wrong.

Tell. Him. OFF.

Don't mind us. We're just commuting. Ain't NO thang but a chic-ken-wang. Handle yo' biznass, girl!

Oh no he didn't! Say what?? Oh. No. He. Did. NOT!

Hell naww! He's sleepin' on the damned couch ton-- ...well I'll be damned if you didn't just take the words right out my mouf, girl!

Disagree, stand up for yourself and, when necessary, duke it out with your loved one.

Argue in public. No, really. Arguments are your business. Not ours.

Important point:
Some "public places" also place us in a situation in which we're a captive audience. That means that when we're on the bus, in an elevator, on the train, etc. we cannot escape your altercation.

That also means you need to temporarily suspend your argument until you can get to a place in which you can have it in, hmm... Like the 5th Circle of Hell perhaps?

Betcha Didn't Know:
You sound like a complete and utter jackass when you're arguing with someone over the phone in a public place. Get this: we only hear one side of the strained, embittered exchange, so it all sounds bad and is therefore attributed to you and you alone.

So please keep that in mind next time you decide to tearfully dispute which "David" won American Idol while in line at Planned Parenthood okay?


Monday, June 2, 2008 wins Best Pop Culture Blog award!!

Thanks to you, dear readers, snagged top honors in the Best Pop Culture Blog category of The Best of Blogs Awards 2007!

Voting ended at midnight on Sunday, June 1st and as the final winners in each category were posted this evening, we found that Urban Etiquette came out on top with a full 41% of the vote!

The other nine finalists in the category were worthy contenders (and awfully nice people) so feel free to check them out via the links below.

Special thanks to our staff of rockstar contributing editors for all of your hilarious insight and off-beat perspectives. Couldn't have done it without any of you!

We hope to prove worthy of such positive reinforcement by continuing the crusade against the selfish, inconsiderate, aloof and downright disrespectful jerks who make everyday city life more difficult than it should be!

Thanks again to you all!

Urban-Etiquette is:

+Margaret Foster
+Bobby Quick
+Stacey Colangelo

And don't forget to check out the other Best of Blogs Pop Culture Blog Award contenders:
Pink Sheep of the Family - 1st Runner Up
These Glory Days - 2nd Runner Up
The Weekly Rader
Design for Mankind

Thank you all!

Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line

Public events and venues are notorious for lacking in one very universal, very important feature: adequate restrooms.

This being the case, here are the Top Five Rules of the Public Bathroom Line to ensure that no one goes postal over the last lavatory:

First-Come, First-Served
Whether there is a line, crowd, velvet rope or even a "now serving #42" system in place, know this: everyone who is present when you arrive has a god-given right to go before you.

Tip: in the case of unisex bathrooms or festival Port-a-Potty's, opt for the line with the most males. That's not sexist: they simply tend to move faster due to their um, *ahem* equipment.

The Loo is NOT a Conference Room
Not when there are a disproportionate number of restrooms, anyway. If this is some swank spot with posh facilities, then have at it. Go cry, laugh, gossip and make mischief all you want. But if there are throngs of people leaning against walls or hopping around with crossed legs and looks of anguish about them, do us all a favor and make it snappy.

You can do your damned makeup and talk with your lady-friend over near the mirrors, for crissakes.

You Must Be At Least This Tall For This Ride

Kids are slow, messy, clueless, rude and stinky. So don't send your unaccompanied tyke off to a high-tension line for a public bathroom unless you mean to punish them. After all, we shan't be held responsible for ridiculing any defenseless little wanker who pulls his skivvies down below his arse at a standing urinal.

No comment officer. They can't prove anything.

No Target Practice
When "evacuating" into toilet fellas? Lift the damned seat. We're ashamed that we even have to tell you this, but we've been to far too many public toilets only to find your little dribblet gifts left in a most inconsiderate manner all over the seat and floor.

Learning how to properly pee pee is usually a toddler-age feat, so get it together already, ya jerks!

Fist Bumps Only
Wash your damned hands, ya filthy animal. No really. Please. And since public events often don't provide the best facilities, consider popping a couple of wet-naps in your pocket or snagging a small bottle of hand sanitizer on your way out the door.

Until you can make a habit of basic cleanliness, we'll pass on the high-fives, mmkay? Yeah, thaaaanks.

Head to the head before you feel you really need to. You'll thank us later when, as your bladder starts to burrow out of your abdomen, you find that you're finally next in line for the loo.

Cut in line, bring friends in with you, or do anything at all other than urinate, defecate and evacuate!

Photo Credits:
kate e. did - Bathroom Lines
Orphaned Ideas
- No Pee On Floor sign