We, like many of you, work in offices.
Offices with people. Big people, little people...regardless of their size, they are annoying. It is especially irritating when one of you peasants interrupts our elevator ride.
The elevator ride up to the office is the last little piece of heaven before we have to open the big steel door and go pony up for "The Man."
So please - don't piss us off so we can hold our shit together until at least 10:00 a.m. and not flip out before our ventigusto machocranberri fraps pump us full of overly-sugared, syrupy, crack a-la legal .
(We know we're cheating a lil' bit since this doesn't apply just to city folk, but we've already had a long day, its only 2:30, and it's either do this or pretend to work. And since they just blocked Scrabulous on our office computers, we're f**cked.)
Ok - we're ready now that we re-aranged all of the action figures on our desk to make sure they are in battle stance (yes we're nerds!).
1.Elevator Occupants Out First!
Hey Mr. Middle Management - we know you are super excited to get to work for another round of severances, but how about you slow down and let the people in the elevator out first before you bum-rush the open doors and practically hump their legs on the way in?
Athough we didn't do well in math and physics, we sure can tell you there's no room for your Stetson-smelling, animal-tie-wearing, pit-stained self in the elevator until the original occupants get out.
And how about giving them some room! Just because you're not running into them doesn't mean you still aren't still being an ass. Give them ROOM to exit. Unless said occupants have personalized jet packs and can fly over your fat ass, move it over!
2. Do not eat in the elevator!
Man oh man - that double stacker tuna casserole sandwich you just bought in the cafeteria sure does look good but how about you keep it in the bag there bucko, rather than opening it on the elevator.
Whatever you do, just keep the god-dammed lunch bag closed. We can already faintly smell the sandwich and hear you smacking your lips in delight as you dream about shoving that artery-clogging monstrosity you call lunch in that cheeto-stained hole on your face.
You can wait the 90 or so seconds it takes to get to your floor and then the addtional 30 seconds it takes to get to your cube to open your lunch. We're certain your co-workers won't be happy about it either, but that is an entirely different blog for later.
Your lunch = your business...but please don't eat in the elevator and make your fellow passengers want to throw you on the ground along with your sandwich wrapper.
3.The elevator is not a clown car!
Yes, elevators have weight capacity guidelines posted on that little inspection sheet in the corner, but that doesn't mean 1200 pounds is the "goal weight" of the elevator!
No, we're not going to weigh you before you get in. Just pay attention to your surroundings and the other people you are getting on the elevator with. The last thing we want is to get stuck on this puppy with Cheeto Face and Sweaty Mid-Management Man for a good hour while they try to get us out with the jaws of life cause we broke the effing elevator.
Elevator Patrick Bateman would use.
If said elevator is too gosh darn full, then wait another two minutes ther, Sparky - you won't die but your double stacker tuna cassarole sandwich may get cold.