This requires a tad of explanation. See, Margaret Foster is a drunk. The real kind. The brush-your-teeth with toothpaste and vodka kind.
Anyway, sometimes she rants. Since we have such fun listening to her hilarious and completely random rantings, this week we had to type them out for her. We now return you to The Margaret Foster Show...already in progress.
...and what's with thiss stupid music anyway? Who's this band? Maroon 5? More like Maroon Suck.
That's it! I've had it! Write this down, ya potzer...
1. No Maroon 5 in public places.
Play that crap on your own time. This is time for drinking, not whiny pop.
2. No cheerleaders.
Especially now that they beat people up or whatever.
3. Nearly Tax Day: Why am I still on dark liquor?
I should have moved onto clear liquor by now. But I'm still stuck on browns. It's gaa-damned clear liquor calendar-wise but still dark liquor temperatures outside!
4. Tip? I got'cher tip right he-ah...
Screw the bartender! Just get me my drink! Yeah, I'll give ya a tip. Like a big, fat Washington! Hell, you get paid to bartend. You should be paying me for all of the entertainment!
5. The Marge Diet
Wanna get into swimsuit shape easy? I gotcha: Liquid Diet. Forget food. Overrated. Well, ya need at least somethin like one meal a week, but the rest? All alcohol. Trust 'ol Marge. She knows best.
And if you want a fun drinking game this weekend, play The Masters Drinking Game. It's easy. Goes like this: Every time they say "Tiger," drink one.
That's it. You'll be right-toasted by the fifth hole.
...which is good. Cuz then you amateurs can go the hell home and give us professionals more room at the bar.