Friday, April 4, 2008

Margaret Foster: Drinking Season Spring Training

Our newest contributing editor Margaret Foster knows a thing or twelve about drinking. Unfortunately (fortunately?) for us, it also means we have to bribe her with booze to keep her at the computer long enough to write her posts.

So without further adieu, allow her Royal Drunkardness to learn you in the ways of Drinking Season Spring Training Tips:

Ease Into It
Jus' cause it's getting warm out, duddn't mean it's all-out crazy-time. If you're a semi-pro, stay home and let us professionals handle this.

Dress The Part
This is the pre-season, kids. I'ss too early for all that billowy, linen-y crap ya'll bought on sale when visiting family in Florida this winter. And NO damn flip-flops, shorts or lil' designer "jackets" that are juss' an extra layer'a stupid.

Start Early
More sunlight means starting earlier so get with the damn program. The program called the Secret Unwritten Drunkness Society (S.U.D.S.) but shhhh, I didn'tt tell ya that.

Park It
And, fer cryin' out loud! Park your stupid car early! You know, deep inside your 'bout-ta-be-booze-filled gut ya shouldn't be drivin later. And that there's no way you really came to meet all these people for "just one drink."

What the hell does "just one" mean anyway? Ol' Marge don't know thaawone. Them's famous lasss words anyways.

Keep it Civ'lized
Er, what does that mean again? Aw crap. I juss like that word. I'sss a funny word, civ'lized. Civ'lized this, civ'lized that...civ'lized all over her drunken cat.

Oh yeah! What I was gonsta say was that I was gonna say not be a jerk if there's no outdoor seating at your chosen water-hole. It's barely over 50 degerees outside, so don't be a whiny bibiach!

...srry I've had a few while typing thissssssssssss 1...

Slow Ride
Like I said to that boy yestaday I says to him, I says:

"boyy! What're ya sixteen er somesuch nonesuch? Put the damned
convertible top back up on on this piece'a piss! Nobody's cares ya gotta
damn convertible. Ain't no car gonna change'a fact thaat'cher ugly!"

Parity Paradox
More fun words! Say 'em ten times fasss and'a next onesson me! All I meants was:
Why the HELL ya readin when ya couldbe drinkinn!?!? that damn keyboard outta my way, I can t reach my drink...

"Atta girl!"
~Margaret Foster