Monday, April 7, 2008

Suburbanite's Guide to Not Sucking in the City

You stick out like a sore thumb.

Not because of your directionless meanderings, horrific driving or even your disastrous attire (which is comically entertaining). No, you stick out like a sore thumb because we keep coming this close to running into you.

What's with the abrupt stops on the sidewalk? Do you walk around your 'burb like that? Oh yeah. Suburbanites don't walk. We forgot.

That's okay. We understand. After all, there's nowhere to walk to in the suburbs cuz there ain't a damn thing to see or do!

That's why we put together this list of guidelines for you. So you have a simple list for your immensely frustrating forays into metropolitan culture and events.

The Surburbanite's Guide to Not Sucking in the City
Or, How Not to get Shanked by Those You're Driving Crazy with Your Retarded and Aimless Behavior.

1. Learn how to parallel park.
We know there are no curbs in the 'burbs. Or at least very few. But kiddos - you must learn how to effing parallel park!

It's a simple staple of life in the city. Take the damned train if you can't figure it out. That, or trade in your manhood for one of those self-parallel-parking Lexuseses (Lexi?).

2. Take it aside.

If you're walking along on the street with your brood, watch where you're freaking going!

And, for the love of all things holy and true, do NOT stop abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk or street when you realize you don't know where the hell you're going!

Or if you feel like talking to your companions, kindly move out of the way before stopping to converse. It's not rocket-science. It's simple consideration and survival. If you don't want to get tazered, move the hell out of the way. Period.
*Special Thanks to reader Biz on this point. Check out her
spec-freaking-tacular hand-made wares at:
**Special Shout-Out to the Facebook Group: "I Secretly Want to Punch Slow-Walking People in the Back of the Head." Now there's a group of people we'd like to buy a drink...or six.

3. Take a breather.
You know you have a 45-minute+ drive ahead of you when you're finished with your raucous visit in the city. So please-oh-please-oh-please budget some extra time to sober the hell up before you hop back into your BMW Z4 and put everyone's lives in danger all the way back out to ____ Park or ____ Lake.

4. Don't be That Guy.
You know what we're talking about. And although you'd never admit it. You know when you're being That Guy.

The guy who wears the T-shirt of the band he's about to go see. The guy who not only ogles women who are significantly younger than him (dude, she's sixteen), but also hurls ridiculous comments and pick-up lines toward her and hilariously Chaach-eriffic physical threats toward bouncers, fellow drinkers and, when in the right mood - even your own companions.

Being a chode wasn't even cool in high school. Too bad you never grew out of it. Here's business card for the Hair Club for Men. Kindly go funk yourself.

5. Download Google Maps to your cell phone.

We also know that you're perpetually lost whenever you come to the city. So do yourself a favor and Click Here to visit Google's download page for the mobile version of Google Maps.

This way, you can have an exact map of where you are and where you want to go, as well as easy access to the nearest coffee shop, sushi restaurant or even visual traffic updates. Of course, you could always ask one of us shady hoodlums for directions. But then again: mama always said we city-folk are all bad'uns, now didn't she?

p.s. - Mapquest is a punk-ass chump!


Anonymous said...

I HATE fuckin burb fucks! They drive like shit and cant hold their liquor. Go back to Winnetka!!

Brian said...


Seats are rare -- relish them, dear suburbanites!

For whatever reason, people that don't take subways often must think it's "cool" to stand on the EL. This has always baffled me.

Maybe it feels like they're surfing.

All I know is; if you see open seats on the train but a few people are standing -- they are not from the city... and they're most likely on their way to or from a Cubs game. Ooop!