Bobby Quick: Where the pussy at?

Dear "Bros" that are at bars I tend to frequent,

First off...I'd like to crap in yer brew. When I was going out to have a cigarette and you asked me so elegantly "hey....where's the pussy at?" that was disrespectful and rude to my female peeps (yeah mother fucker...I said peeps).

Then, to make stupid stupider you said "is it upstairs?" And at that point I actually looked up the stairs.

IT WASN'T UP THERE.

I felt like that dog - you know when you go to throw the ball but you don't actually throw the ball but he runs after it anyway...

But most of all I'm pissed that you caught me off guard cuz I was drunk. When I heard that, I was like "yeah...where the fuck is the pussy at?" And that drunken barbaric response really got me thinking...

In retrospect, there were so many things I could have said to your inquiry pertaining to "the pussy" and "where it was at" such as:

"in my pants, bitch"
"oh shit thats right I left it in the car...be right back"
"usually below the belly button...i'm sure you'll find it"
"super-glued to the back of your balls"

...but I digress.

I guess what i'm trying to say is you're a douchebag and I would appreciate you not talking to me or anyone I've ever known but if you do...don't.


In closing I would to thank you for letting us bask in your amazing tan and super-pom-aided hair. Thank you for your mad crazy awesome designer button up striped shirts that are so tight that guess what...boop!...turkey's done ya dick.

Most of all thank you for making the male gender look so god damn awesome.

Drop it like it's hott,

~Bobby Quick

Hitting On Women 101: Commuters

It embarasses the editors of this site to even have to mention this. But for those of you without a clue, here's one for free:

Women display outward body language signals when they do not wish to be bothered during their commute.

Since it is obvious that these signals are not universally known, allow us to spell it the hell out for you with a few examples:

• Zoning out to headphones
• Reading a book / magazine
• Talking / Texting on a cell phone

...especially if she goes back to the headphones, reading materials, phone after spurning your lame-o advances.

The general guidelines here are simple...

DO:

Toss that swell-looking dame a line. Preferably not a funny-but-largely-unsuccessful one like "are your pants made of mirrors? ...cuz I can see myself in them." If you toss a line and she catches it, proceed with conversation.

DO NOT:

Proceed without acknowledgment. If you attempt contact and are denied, leave her alone!

Don't be That Guy who continues hitting on her when she's rolling her eyes, looking away, keeping the headphones on, or concentrating on that book/magazine/iPod/cell phone/back of hand rather than meeting your creep-tastic gaze.

Get a clue, leave her be and head home to grab that Striped Shirt before heading out to Estelle's.

Cute dog...poo.

We're gonna sound like parents here, but this is important: Animals are people too.

Why the random declaration?

Because we don't think many of you fuggers quite realize what you're getting into when you decide to adopt a dog. And if you're the kind of jerkass who can't even pick up the feces your little designer pup produces, then PLEASE, for the love of all things good and whole do not reproduce!

That said, pick up the damned poo your dog makes. That's it. There's no clever or kitchy aspect to this. Just do it!

If your dog poops, pick it up. We don't care if it's on the grass, near a tree, on the curb, near a car or right out on the open on the effing sidewalk!

DO:

Walk your dog (and often). And be extra patient with your pets if you happen to leave them alone at home for an extended period of time and they make a doodie in the house. Because remember: that's YOUR fault!

DO NOT:

Let your dog crap on the sidewalk and then leave it there. Period.

It's disgusting, selfish, lazy and downright wrong. We hope we catch someone doing this so we can get it on tape and get your sorry ass face on-camera to post for all the world to see.

Because there's no excuse for it!

If you adopt a pet, you're adopting all of the things that go with it: care, love, joy and yes even the pain-in-the-ass redundant daily upkeep chores like picking up its crap!

Waiting In Line (the right way)

Not sure why this isn't common sense, but people: figure out how to form a line without getting in the damned way!

It's very simple: don't form a line out into a walkway.

That's it! That's all there is to it! This is so ridiculous that we certainly wouldn't bother if it were as obvious to the general public as it should be. Seriously - just line up in such a way that you're alongside a wall or otherwise out of the way.

Aggravating example #1: The Post Office on Tax Day

We know you're in a hurry. So are we. We all procrastinated until the last minute.

But help us out here... We already want to Go Postal (literally), but don't fuel the fire by lining up across the open room and in front of the damned door or paperwork kiosk! We already have it in for The Man. Don't line up into our crosshairs, for cryng out loud!

Aggravating example #2: ATM Lines
If the ATM is out on the street and you're waiting in line to use it, for cripes' sake *move the hell alongside the wall rather than perpetuating a line that juts out into the sidewalk. Sidewalks are for walking. People can't walk when your punk arse is standing in the way.

*Caveat: do NOT stand right next to the person at the ATM! Give them some space so they don't think you're trying to nab their PIN! ...unless you're trying to nab their PIN. In which case, Urban-Etiquette.net claims no responsibility for Identity Theft.

Aggravating example #3: Grocery Store Lines

When possible, curve your line around (alongside cashier product displays, etc) rather than straight out from the cashier so that you're not lining up into an area that is intended for passersby.

We realize that many grocery stores are not well-designed for this. That is not your fault. But you can help by simply being aware of the flow of foot-traffic around you and by doing your best to stay out of the way.

Believe us: if you get in the way of a socialite debutante and her crumpets at Whole Foods - you're asking for it!

DO:
Form lines. Lines are the commonly-accepted way to wait your turn. Goooood etiquetter, you get a biscuit.

DO NOT:
Form lines out into walkways. Again, you can't always help it, but most of the time you can stay out of the way of pedestrians by simply lining up using common sense.

Margaret Foster: I should be on clear liquor by now.

Editor's Note:
This requires a tad of explanation. See, Margaret Foster is a drunk. The real kind. The brush-your-teeth with toothpaste and vodka kind.

Anyway, sometimes she rants. Since we have such fun listening to her hilarious and completely random rantings, this week we had to type them out for her. We now return you to The Margaret Foster Show...already in progress.

...and what's with thiss stupid music anyway? Who's this band? Maroon 5? More like Maroon Suck.


That's it! I've had it! Write this down, ya potzer...


Margaret's gripes...today.


1. No Maroon 5 in public places.
Play that crap on your own time. This is time for drinking, not whiny pop.


2. No cheerleaders.
Especially now that they beat people up or whatever.


3. Nearly Tax Day: Why am I still on dark liquor?
I should have moved onto clear liquor by now. But I'm still stuck on browns. It's gaa-damned clear liquor calendar-wise but still dark liquor temperatures outside!


4. Tip? I got'cher tip right he-ah...
Screw the bartender! Just get me my drink! Yeah, I'll give ya a tip. Like a big, fat Washington! Hell, you get paid to bartend. You should be paying me for all of the entertainment!


5. The Marge Diet
Wanna get into swimsuit shape easy? I gotcha: Liquid Diet. Forget food. Overrated. Well, ya need at least somethin like one meal a week, but the rest? All alcohol. Trust 'ol Marge. She knows best.

And if you want a fun drinking game this weekend, play The Masters Drinking Game. It's easy. Goes like this: Every time they say "Tiger," drink one.


That's it. You'll be right-toasted by the fifth hole.
...which is good. Cuz then you amateurs can go the hell home and give us professionals more room at the bar.



"Atta girl!"
~Margaret Foster

Schizophrenic or Wireless Headset?

It's happened again.

We nearly pissed ourselves last night when this monster of a man came out of the alleyway roaring with what could be construed as laughter - though it sounded more like the laughter of a psychotic person who just finished severing a human limb.

He was mumbling something to himself while pacing our gait just behind us as we progressed down the sidewalk. Thankfully it was a busy street, but hey - in the city, one just never knows.

As we stopped to turn down our sidestreet, he went roaring, grunting and mumbling by. Only then did we realize the dude was wearing a freaking Bluetooth headset and he was actually on the effing phone!

Yeah, so we're wusses. So what! Shattup, you! You're not the boss of us!

He was like, seven feet tall. Like...like a giant and stuff. With huge...er, everything. And the look in his eyes was menacing behind that winter hat / masks that covered most of his face. And the sounds coming out of him were barely human. And...and...and...

*sigh* Sheesh.

What ever happened to the good old days when a person talking to himself was just a garden-variety nutzo?

Nowadays ya can't even tell the difference between someone who is psychotic and someone who just holds odd conversations on a wireless bluetooth headset in public!

Obviously some people agree with me on this and one in particular has a solution:
"We need to issue old, deactivated blue tooths to the homeless."
--ba dum BLOGger

Could be worse...you could be THIS guy:

Elevator Ettiquette Round 1: It goes up and down. Figure it out.

We, like many of you, work in offices.

Offices with people. Big people, little people...regardless of their size, they are annoying. It is especially irritating when one of you peasants interrupts our elevator ride.

The elevator ride up to the office is the last little piece of heaven before we have to open the big steel door and go pony up for "The Man."

So please - don't piss us off so we can hold our shit together until at least 10:00 a.m. and not flip out before our ventigusto machocranberri fraps pump us full of overly-sugared, syrupy, crack a-la legal .

(We know we're cheating a lil' bit since this doesn't apply just to city folk, but we've already had a long day, its only 2:30, and it's either do this or pretend to work. And since they just blocked Scrabulous on our office computers, we're f**cked.)

Ok - we're ready now that we re-aranged all of the action figures on our desk to make sure they are in battle stance (yes we're nerds!).

1.Elevator Occupants Out First!
Hey Mr. Middle Management - we know you are super excited to get to work for another round of severances, but how about you slow down and let the people in the elevator out first before you bum-rush the open doors and practically hump their legs on the way in?

Athough we didn't do well in math and physics, we sure can tell you there's no room for your Stetson-smelling, animal-tie-wearing, pit-stained self in the elevator until the original occupants get out.

And how about giving them some room! Just because you're not running into them doesn't mean you still aren't still being an ass. Give them ROOM to exit. Unless said occupants have personalized jet packs and can fly over your fat ass, move it over!

2. Do not eat in the elevator!
Man oh man - that double stacker tuna casserole sandwich you just bought in the cafeteria sure does look good but how about you keep it in the bag there bucko, rather than opening it on the elevator.

Whatever you do, just keep the god-dammed lunch bag closed. We can already faintly smell the sandwich and hear you smacking your lips in delight as you dream about shoving that artery-clogging monstrosity you call lunch in that cheeto-stained hole on your face.

You can wait the 90 or so seconds it takes to get to your floor and then the addtional 30 seconds it takes to get to your cube to open your lunch. We're certain your co-workers won't be happy about it either, but that is an entirely different blog for later.

Your lunch = your business...but please don't eat in the elevator and make your fellow passengers want to throw you on the ground along with your sandwich wrapper.

3.The elevator is not a clown car!
Yes, elevators have weight capacity guidelines posted on that little inspection sheet in the corner, but that doesn't mean 1200 pounds is the "goal weight" of the elevator!

No, we're not going to weigh you before you get in. Just pay attention to your surroundings and the other people you are getting on the elevator with. The last thing we want is to get stuck on this puppy with Cheeto Face and Sweaty Mid-Management Man for a good hour while they try to get us out with the jaws of life cause we broke the effing elevator.

Elevator Patrick Bateman would use.

If said elevator is too gosh darn full, then wait another two minutes ther, Sparky - you won't die but your double stacker tuna cassarole sandwich may get cold.