Thursday, March 13, 2008

Giant Bags + Public Transportation = Death

"Giant Bags" = big frickin' backpacks, gigantor purses (the kind that double as baby carriages and shopping carts) and the like.

This is another simple one:
Do not wear giant bags on public transportation.
...On pain of death! Just don't do it, you inconsiderate jerks!

It's not that you cannot have them. Just don't wear them on the bus / train / effing trolley or whatever.

If you need to ask why, then you're probably one of the sumnab___s who walks down the aisles of public transport vehicles with an effinglog hanging off of your back smacking every other rider in the side of the head as you pass.

You're not fooling us: there's no way you can truly say you don't notice that you're hitting other people with that huge physical representation of selfishness you're carrying!

This amounts to effingUrban Terrorism people!

Let us answer the query for those of you who still don't get it: why shouldn't you carry giant purses or large, full backpacks on public transportation?

Because it doubles the space you consume. Giant bags take up so much space that you might as well have another person standing right behind you, spooning you throughout your commute! And nobody wants to see that. No, really.

C'mon - think about it, selfishisto! When you wear your giant freaking backpack with the straps over both shoulders it not only causes you to take out coffee mugs, newspapers, reading glasses and small children simply by turning around, but you also - quite literally - take up twice the amount of space. Dick.

And when you wear a giant effing purse slung over your shoulder you also have the same problems whenever you turn or move...which happens a lot.

And somehow ladies, you tend to feel quite at home jutting your freaking faux-Gucci into people's ribs and then just standing there like you couldn't possibly be asked to notice when, in reality, you just think you couldn't possibly be asked to care.

People: we know you can feel it when your bag is hitting someone or even resting right up against them. Unless the mode of transport is entirely packed full, there is no reason you should not be taking the uber-simple steps to remedy this and make your fellow commuters' trip every bit as comfortable as you've already decided to be:

Bring whatever bags you want onto public transportation. You do need to carry all of that extra crap, after all. Hell, we do.

Insist on wearing your giant bags over your shoulders.

Simple remedies:
While standing, place said bag between your legs on the floor. Simple!
Those with purses should suspend them between your legs or hold them sideways just in front of you to take up as little space as possible. This way, you still retain a full and safe grib on your valuables to guard against theft. if anyone could make off with a 38-pound Prada anyway...

Backpacking across europe
You cannot very well set a huge camping backpack down between your legs and people probably wouldn't want to be too close to your stank anyway, so the barrier is likely welcome.

Parents with children present
You have severely limited choices when looking after junior, so a minor faux pas or three shall be forgiven. Just don't go slinging that ginormous baby bag around excessively.

Beer-dispensing backpacks
Aye, the elusive backpack dispensers! We've heard of these and we must admit: we sure wouldn't mind it so much if we were to get bumped or prodded by something that immediately made up for it with a special treat...

Mullet not included.