Professionally Rude

Here's a hint for those of you who maintain "professional" social media outlets:

If you're rude to your followers, you'll not only lose them, but also cast an unfavorable shadow

upon your company. One would think this would be a no-brainer, but even some people within the social media sphere don't seem to understand this!

In particular, watch the use of phrases like "get over it," which are almost never a nice way to engage potential customers (except in jest) and you might want to reign in the snark in favor of having an actual conversation once in a while.

Lesson:

In the Information Age when everything's searchable in 0.00026 seconds, the written word holds some real power. Make sure yours isn't wasted being a jerk.

Babies at the Movies

Nothing ruins the moviegoing experience more than an inconsiderate parent.

...okay, we take that back. There are definitely some things that are equally as annoying and disruptive. But wailing, crying, whining, bitching chitlins are definitely up there.

Good 'ol twitter. We can always count on you to back us up. Perhaps twitter user @twoname sums it up best:

Of course, parenthood certainly shouldn't mean you can't do anything or go anywhere. But for the sake of Pete, keep your effing kid in line! This goes for toting toddlers along anywhere including, but not limited to: libraries, sit-down restaurants and banks.

Since some of you parentals can't seem to get the idea of consideration for your fellow patrons through your thick skulls, let us simplify it for ya:

Keep your damned kids to yourself.

We don't want to hear them, we don't want to play with them, it's not "cute" or "adorable" to have them come up to our tables when we're trying to dine in peace and hey - here's an idea: if they start crying or bitching, take them the hell outside!

This handy-dandy guide is useful in all situations and we suggest that you print it out and put it in your back pocket and tell all of your parental friends. While you're at it, have them all bookmark this site. Hell, if you don't already know this stuff you could probably use the rest of our advice so you don't raise your babies to be inconsiderate assholes.

Or Ashlee Simpson fans.

Nobody likes an Ashlee Simpson fan.

More funny videos from the "Behind The Music That Sucks" channel at Heavy.com

Airplane Manners 101

Thanks to Peter Shankman for the unintentional tip on this one: 

Airplane Manners.

We'll obviously need an entirely new tag / section for this (and perhaps a way for readers to text-message their gripes onto this page, come to think of it!).

DO:

Cruise at XX,000 feet en route to your destination

DO NOT:

Cruise past XX number of people elbowing your way to the door upon landing.  

Jerkass.

Check Shankman's Twitter site for more nuggets of truth, justice and the Shankman Way.

Gov Rod Blagojevich Drinking Game!

What to do when you're “innocent until proven guilty” (yeah right) State Governor is arrested, on the road to be impeached and then makes a grand media tour to errr…ummmm – defend himself??Embrace the political scandal dripping out of your cities pores and drink away your pain.

Three cheers and a tip of the hat to the kids at Chicagoist for this one. So even though good ol’ Blago has already been around the world and back again by now – we don’t see him slowing down. Grab a cold one and enjoy!!!

·                  drink for each time he says "The fix is in"

·                  1 drink for every Kipling quote

·                  1 drink per declaration of innocence

·                  1 drink per invasion of Larry's personal space (did you see him pawing Whoopi this morning?)

·                  1 drink for every redirection of a question.

·                  1 drink for every time he says "I can't wait to tell the public" and then gives excuses as to why he can't.

·                  1 drink for a name mention of any Illinois Republicans.

·                  1 drink for every time he whines about no witnesses.

·                  1 drink per mention of any member of the Mell family, excluding his wife.

·                  1 drink per self-repetition. "I will fight, I will fight, I will fight" would be 3 drinks.

·                  1 drink for each oppressed minority leader he refers himself to

·                  1 drink for each time he stalls by saying Larry King's name

·                  1 drink for each reminder he was elected by the people of Illinois

·                  2 drinks for the reminder he was elected twice

·                  2 drinks for every non-Kipling poetry reference

·                  2 drinks for each time he references non-impeachable actions as reason for impeachment, i.e., keeping taxes low, AllKids, free rides for seniors, etc.

·                  3 drinks per martyr he compares himself to

·                  Full bottle if he announces his presidential bid for 2016

Urban-Etiquette Bonus Round:

• 2 Drinks per swear word
  
  
• Take 1 shot if Mayor Daley appoints Ron Huberman as interim Governor of Illinois        
  
  
• Take 1 shot and head to Happy Hour if he resigns at the end!

P.S – Keep your eyes peeled for SwillSpot.com – the new booze-fueled website brought you by Urban Etiquette’s very own Chucklyn. More info coming soon!

Bachelor Party Etiquette

After a recent foray into the realm of The Bachelor Party we are reminded that, although they should be obvious, guys are in need of some explicit guidelines for bachelor party behavior.

Basically, some'a you jamokes just don't get it.  So we'll spell it out for you in hopes that you don't blow a fellow's cover, spill the proverbial beans or downright ruin someone's marriage!

The Top Five Rules of The Bachelor Party

1. Silence is Golden

For the clueless numb-skulls: 

What happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party!

The fact that this needs to be so clearly defined makes us question the very manhood of those of you who call yourselves friends of the groom-to-be.  Have you no sense of loyalty?  Of common sense? Then keep your freakin' trap shut.  Period.

2. Don't be That Guy

If you wanna mope, sulk or pout - get the hell out!  After all, the definition is contained in the term itself: Bachelor Party. 

Nobody's fond of a party pooper.  So if you didn't bring your A game, do The Bachelor and other party-goers a favor and don't even show up.

Exception:  A close friend in no shape to properly celebrate, is under contract to show up and buy The Bachelor a drink and a shot.  Support him first by showing your face and then, perhaps more important, by subsequently taking your sad sack home.

3. Fair Game

Think of this not only as The Bachelor's last night of "freedom," but also as his official Roast!  Get all your digs in.  His ass is fair game all night long...

4. Best Man Runs the Show

In theory, you're hoping your pal will only ever have ONE of these, so it is of the utmost importance to make it a night to remember!  It is, therefore, part of the Best Man's job to ensure that this the case.

Exception:  The Best Man sucks. Recommended alternative = wildest friend sets the agenda, other partygoers suggest & support, best man executes.

5. Bachelor Pays Nothing

Unless he personally dictated how the night is to unfold and what events / locations are to be involved, The Bachelor's expenses are to be covered all night long.

This includes at least the following: 

• Drinks.
• Props needed to carry out Bachelor Party challenges.
  
• Lap dances.
  
• Midgets.
  
• Blow torches.
  

Follow these simple rules and a killer time will be had by all!

Photo credits:

Bachelor Party T-Shirt - Zazzle.com

Depressed Pug - ihasahotdog.com

Holiday Party Etiquette

Although Christmas is now a few days behind us – those few strands of tinsel, melting santa candy, and lovehandles are still here serving as a reminder that the holidays are not officially over…YET. 

We still get to look forward to NYE (or as Chucklyn says – Amateur Night) and possibly that end of the year Holiday Party with your co-workers. Since Chucklyn and the folks here at Urban Etiquette have gone to our fair share of company shindigs, we're offering some pointers on how to handle the hellish celebration:

• Wear something appropriate!
  Just because your boss decided at 3:00 pm to take the team out to the local Irish Pub instead of having the normal in-office cheesetastic celebration does not mean its time to run home first and change into the sequined mini and tube top combo from '99.
  
  Talk to your peers and see what's up. It all depends on the venue but remember you are still representing your office – so unless you work for Fredericks of Hollywood – keep it somewhat classy there champ!
  
  
• Booze is your Frenemy
  Let's make that clear – both FRIEND and ENEMY! Chucklyn is no stranger to throwing back a few because sometimes it helps to loosen things up in front of those SVPs but be certain to swill with care.
  
  Don't be so relaxed that multiple items of clothing start coming off or so that you start talking about office crushes or past office conquests or - God forbid - acting upon them. Chucklyn was once luckily enough to get a cougartastic makeoutsesh between an admin and a junior exec on camera and has been holding on to it for three years…y'know, just in case.  

• Set your Limits and plan your travel route home BEFORE the party
  We learned this the hard way. Once, after a few-too-many tequila shots at the Holiday Mixer, one thing led to another and before we knew it we were at a strip club by the airport drinking a Whiskey Sour with the sales team watching the regional manager pulling out singles from his company logo-branded money clip.
  
  Getting crazy and heading out to a post-party event to keep the night going with the boss may seem like a good idea when fueled by a stomach full of Jameson but when you need to discuss that TPS report with him the next day at 8:30 and you still have stripper glitter under you fingernails, you may think twice.
  
  

Rock out kids but play it cool!

Schadenfreude: How to Order a Sandwich at Jimmy Johns

Step 1: Decide what you want, and narrow your special requests (i.e. no mayo) down to two. Anything more than two will confuse the workers and you will get a completely incorrect sandwich. 

Step 2: Tell the cashier what you want (do not relax yet). 

Step 3: Repeat the last 2/3 of your order to the cashier after they wave their hand around and ask you to "hol' up hol' up" while they slowly press the keys. 

Step 4: Repeat the last 1/3 of your order to the cashier after they repeat your order back to you. Note: their repetition will be wrong and you may have to go back to step 3. 

Step 5: Pay for your sandwich, receive an incorrect amount of change. Determine whether it is wrong enough to be worth getting back in line. 

Step 6: Wait around for your sandwich while people push past you to get to the soda fountain. 

Step 7: Receive sandwich with at least one error. If you are not allergic to the error, proceed to Step 8. If you are, go back to Step 2. 

Step 8: Get your own bag and napkins, this is too confusing for the people who already cannot figure out how to make a sandwich. 

Step 9: Go back to work and spill lettuce on the keyboard writing a rant on craigslist.

--Schadenfreude