New Contributing Editor: Stacey Colangelo

We here at good 'ol Urban-Etiquette.net always have very best interests at heart, dear readers.

That is why we scour the planet for the finest (read: "free") talent to bring you only the highest-quality humorous content.

As such, we proudly present our newest contributing editor: Stacey Colangelo.

Welcome, Stacer. Knock 'em dead, kid.
But hey - clean up after you're done, huh? That's good manners, after all.

Stacey: As soon as I have this baby, I’m gonna get so fucked up!

Well, here I am! All set and ready to bring this little bundle of joy into this world.

Something sure has been cooking in my kitchen and baking in my oven. I can't wait to see the tiny little face of Alexa Jordyn Taylor.

How I look forward to playing with her tiny little feet and holding her in my arms for the first time.

I've been told those 3 am feedings can be hellish, but I'm sure her wails and moans will sound like that of a hungry little cherub. Through all the nausea, mood swings, and swollen breasts, I've managed to put myself in God's hands and do what's best for me and the baby. I can't wait to bless the world with her beauty.

One thing I know for sure though, is that once I have this baby, I am gonna get so fucked up!

Watch out partyland, the bitch is back!

As soon as I leave the hospital, Becky and the girls are gonna pick me and the baby up. She's already reserved one of the big yellow pub-crawl style school buses. Anyways, we're gonna drop off the kid at my mom's house, she's soooo excited about having grandchildren.


From then on, it's all chips, dips, and beers for sips! We got a driver, 5 bottles of Jaeger, and 3 cases of Miller Lite. It's gonna be fucking awesome, a true maelstorm of debauchery and regret!

On our way to T.J. Zapp's, we're totally gonna slam one of those bottles of Jaeger. And you best believe there are gonna be body shots done off my newly deflated belly! I am gonna get so blitzed, this little angel of mine will have a hangover after every time I breastfeed her!

And you better believe once I lose all this baby fat I'm gonna be slutting it up again!

Hell who knows, I might even be back in this blessed little mess, seeing that little Alexis was the product of a pair of jumper cables, a bottle of Patron, and a $50 dollar skirt. I'm sure post-pardem depression's gonna hit so hard, I won't be able to eat for days at a time! Usually when I'm feeling down, I totally lose my appetite and look like a lean little rack of lamb.

Hopefully motherhood won't change that.

When I get back to my usual pack and a half a day habit, I'll be able to substitute cigarettes for all kinds of meals. Before you know it, I'm gonna start looking like a $300 prozzie at a business convention!

But you know, being pregnant totally changes you. When I first found out I was knocked up, I totally ran up and down the stairs super fast and took like 7 shots of vodka in one hour, thinking i could kill this thing off. But now, I totally want to have this little angel.

Now that my little dreamsicle is almost here, it makes me think of how lucky I am to be a mommy, even if daddy calls me crazy and says to stop showing up at his real kids' school with letters to give him.

What matters now is that me and little Alexa Jordyn Taylor have each other, and will forever. But damn, am I gonna get shit-tay once i pop! It's gonna be the bomb, yo.

~Stacey Colangelo

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My record store application

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm you get a lot of submissions from posers who want to work in your record store. But I'm different than the rest.

No. Really.

First of all, I have an uncanny ability to mock the musical choices of any patron with a natural panache and subtlety that will rock your collective socks.

I also come from a long line of shameless elitists and can trace my family tree back to the Mayflower descendants who were so over America long before the ship ever even landed in Plymouth.

Did I mention my facial hair? No irony. Just moustache. And when I enter a room, my Au-natural entourage sometimes precedes me. Let's just say I have a lot to add to the olfactory assets of the store.

I'm also well-adept at being rude to the peons who enter our store searching for crappy pap that they think they want...until I convince them otherwise.

Musical morons of the world grovel at my feet and thank me regularly via my indie blog at:

www.ifyouknowthemthentheysuck.org

But I'm not just rude to patrons. I don't just turn them off with bad customer service, lack of personality, zero-tolerance for questions about mainstream music, or single-word answers sans smiles or voice inflection. No.

I may not have ever worked in a record store before, but I've seen High Fidelity and Empire Records at least 600 times. Each.

So I'm no amateur.

I know that a successful record store needs workers who don't just think they are better than everyone else who walks through the door; it needs workers who absolutely ARE better.

That's why I'm the man for this job.
After all, I'm in a band. We're big in Japan.

Check out our newest album, if you don't believe me:

Best of Blogs Award Finalist!

Thank you all for your amazing support thus far!

Thanks to you, Urban-Etiquette.net is now a finalist for the annual The Best of Blogs Awards in the Pop Culture category! Please help us clinch it by voting at This Link before voting ends early next week.

Thanks again - you all freaking RAWK and we couldn't (and wouldn't) do it without you!

Happy Friday!
~Chucklyn

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Top Five One Night Stand Mistakes

The Top Five One Night Stand Mistakes
propagated by Don Juan wannabees:

Know When to Fold 'Em
Sometimes it's just not going to happen. Don't find that out at last-call, but don't force the issue either, Sparky.

Breaking Point
Have your social lubricant, but moderation is key. It's hard to seal-the-deal when Whisky Richard makes an appearance.

Managing Expectations
Experienced philanderers are well-versed in this supremely subtle art. Managing a potential partner's outlook is key and can mean the difference between a successful romp (or three) and lot of awkward misunderstandings and explanations.

The Long Goodbye
Nothing is more awkward than over-staying your welcome, so get a clue Romeo. If she's already snoring, it's up to you whether or not to stay over. But be prepared to make haste upon waking the next morning. Meeting the roommates, having brunch and *gasp* cuddling are the stuff of relationships, not wanton sex.

We'll put it this way: if she's not initiating some "morning after" action, she doesn't want you there.

The Walk of Shame
Don't believe the hype! This goes one of two ways: either you're geeked-out from your mega score or shaking your head in disbelief.

If you're geeked as hell then your only embarrassment is the perma-grin under that bed-head. Strut straight on home with head held high; that bedpost needs notching.

But if your beer goggles got the best of you last evening, consider the road less traveled.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

...while the other half is to learn from the best.

For that, we refer you to Cracked's round-up of:

History's Seven Most Astounding Sexual Resumes.

...and you thought Three Dog Night sucked. Pssht!

Hey headphones: the volume's different out here

There's no need to yell. Just because you're wearing headphones doesn't mean the rest of the world's volume is turned way the hell up.


Not sure why you would assume that the rest of the known universe has effing crap-ass Nickelback blasting at the same god-awful volume, but please don't yell at us rather than simply removing your earbud from your empty head cavity.

In fact, don't talk at all.

DO:
Listen to your music via headphones. Lord knows we don't want to hear that crap out loud.

DO NOT:
Turn the volume up so high that:

1. We can hear every redundant crappy-pap hook as well as the same lame-tastic spoken-word-breakdown-followed-by-rockin-crescendo as every non- hip hop song played at John Barleycorn's house of douchetastics.

2. You feel the need to yell to your fellow man rather than talk with a normal, "inside-voice."

p.s. Nickelback sucks ass. Here's the scientific proof.