My record store application

To Whom It May Concern:

I'm you get a lot of submissions from posers who want to work in your record store. But I'm different than the rest.

No. Really.

First of all, I have an uncanny ability to mock the musical choices of any patron with a natural panache and subtlety that will rock your collective socks.

I also come from a long line of shameless elitists and can trace my family tree back to the Mayflower descendants who were so over America long before the ship ever even landed in Plymouth.

Did I mention my facial hair? No irony. Just moustache. And when I enter a room, my Au-natural entourage sometimes precedes me. Let's just say I have a lot to add to the olfactory assets of the store.

I'm also well-adept at being rude to the peons who enter our store searching for crappy pap that they think they want...until I convince them otherwise.

Musical morons of the world grovel at my feet and thank me regularly via my indie blog at:

www.ifyouknowthemthentheysuck.org

But I'm not just rude to patrons. I don't just turn them off with bad customer service, lack of personality, zero-tolerance for questions about mainstream music, or single-word answers sans smiles or voice inflection. No.

I may not have ever worked in a record store before, but I've seen High Fidelity and Empire Records at least 600 times. Each.

So I'm no amateur.

I know that a successful record store needs workers who don't just think they are better than everyone else who walks through the door; it needs workers who absolutely ARE better.

That's why I'm the man for this job.
After all, I'm in a band. We're big in Japan.

Check out our newest album, if you don't believe me: