Apartment Living 101: Neighbor Noise

Many thanks to SavageChickens.com for hitting the nail on the head with this one. Although there is room for a write-in on the bottom, we tend to think they pretty much just thought of everything! Passive Aggressive Notes would be proud ;^)

(Click to Enlarge)

(Click to Enlarge)

Photo Source:

Savage Chickens, Neigbor Noise

Clipping Toenails: Get a Room!

Yet again, we're amazed this is somehow not common knowledge, so let's set it straight...

Unless you look like THIS:

You shouldn't be doing THIS in public!

DO:

Trim your fingernails and toenails so you're not a dirty ho.

DO NOT:

Perform this action in public. Seriously, sicko.

Shoutout to Lori B. for the [indirect] suggestion. Good luck with your grotty office mate!

Photo sources:

Kittyface McGee from Weddingbee

Sicko McSickerton from The Straights Times Stomp

Anteater Etiquette

**Hint: they can has none.

5 Rules for Labor Day Weekend

1. Remember the Alamo

Er, the Pullman Strike. Yeah, that's what we meant. Anyway, know why we even have a holiday called Labor Day? Outsmart your hapless friends with the real-deal goods on our extended weekend:

The "Official" History of Labor Day from the U.S. Department of Labor and...

The Labor Day Wikipedia entry, including some insight such as some of President Grover Cleveland's reasons for creating the holiday and the political implications involved.

2. Travel Light

It's a three-day weekend, not a cross-continental European tour. For example: if you're traveling, take it easy on the shoes which are bulky and usually not all used anyway.

Side Note: unless you own a vagina, do not attempt to share #2 with any females traveling along. Just let it be, man. Let it be.

3. Pre-Work

This afternoon, perform (better yet, delegate!) a series of simple tasks that result in productions you can turn in on Tuesday on a staggered basis. This way, it looks as though you've been working on your first day back when you've really only been recovering.

Trust us: your boss doesn't want that effing report the day before his long weekend anyway.

4. Out of Office Messages

Set 'em now. You'll forget in your last-day-of-school haste to get the hell out the door. Don't forget the voicemail too, buck-o.

5. Don't be That Guy.

Which guy? This guy. Don't be him.

Hell, don't be this guy either:

Instead, be this guy:

And, as always, aspire to be this guy:

Professionally Rude

Here's a hint for those of you who maintain "professional" social media outlets:

If you're rude to your followers, you'll not only lose them, but also cast an unfavorable shadow

upon your company. One would think this would be a no-brainer, but even some people within the social media sphere don't seem to understand this!

In particular, watch the use of phrases like "get over it," which are almost never a nice way to engage potential customers (except in jest) and you might want to reign in the snark in favor of having an actual conversation once in a while.

Lesson:

In the Information Age when everything's searchable in 0.00026 seconds, the written word holds some real power. Make sure yours isn't wasted being a jerk.

Babies at the Movies

Nothing ruins the moviegoing experience more than an inconsiderate parent.

...okay, we take that back. There are definitely some things that are equally as annoying and disruptive. But wailing, crying, whining, bitching chitlins are definitely up there.

Good 'ol twitter. We can always count on you to back us up. Perhaps twitter user @twoname sums it up best:

Of course, parenthood certainly shouldn't mean you can't do anything or go anywhere. But for the sake of Pete, keep your effing kid in line! This goes for toting toddlers along anywhere including, but not limited to: libraries, sit-down restaurants and banks.

Since some of you parentals can't seem to get the idea of consideration for your fellow patrons through your thick skulls, let us simplify it for ya:

Keep your damned kids to yourself.

We don't want to hear them, we don't want to play with them, it's not "cute" or "adorable" to have them come up to our tables when we're trying to dine in peace and hey - here's an idea: if they start crying or bitching, take them the hell outside!

This handy-dandy guide is useful in all situations and we suggest that you print it out and put it in your back pocket and tell all of your parental friends. While you're at it, have them all bookmark this site. Hell, if you don't already know this stuff you could probably use the rest of our advice so you don't raise your babies to be inconsiderate assholes.

Or Ashlee Simpson fans.

Nobody likes an Ashlee Simpson fan.

More funny videos from the "Behind The Music That Sucks" channel at Heavy.com

Airplane Manners 101

Thanks to Peter Shankman for the unintentional tip on this one: 

Airplane Manners.

We'll obviously need an entirely new tag / section for this (and perhaps a way for readers to text-message their gripes onto this page, come to think of it!).

DO:

Cruise at XX,000 feet en route to your destination

DO NOT:

Cruise past XX number of people elbowing your way to the door upon landing.  

Jerkass.

Check Shankman's Twitter site for more nuggets of truth, justice and the Shankman Way.

Gov Rod Blagojevich Drinking Game!

What to do when you're “innocent until proven guilty” (yeah right) State Governor is arrested, on the road to be impeached and then makes a grand media tour to errr…ummmm – defend himself??Embrace the political scandal dripping out of your cities pores and drink away your pain.

Three cheers and a tip of the hat to the kids at Chicagoist for this one. So even though good ol’ Blago has already been around the world and back again by now – we don’t see him slowing down. Grab a cold one and enjoy!!!

·                  drink for each time he says "The fix is in"

·                  1 drink for every Kipling quote

·                  1 drink per declaration of innocence

·                  1 drink per invasion of Larry's personal space (did you see him pawing Whoopi this morning?)

·                  1 drink for every redirection of a question.

·                  1 drink for every time he says "I can't wait to tell the public" and then gives excuses as to why he can't.

·                  1 drink for a name mention of any Illinois Republicans.

·                  1 drink for every time he whines about no witnesses.

·                  1 drink per mention of any member of the Mell family, excluding his wife.

·                  1 drink per self-repetition. "I will fight, I will fight, I will fight" would be 3 drinks.

·                  1 drink for each oppressed minority leader he refers himself to

·                  1 drink for each time he stalls by saying Larry King's name

·                  1 drink for each reminder he was elected by the people of Illinois

·                  2 drinks for the reminder he was elected twice

·                  2 drinks for every non-Kipling poetry reference

·                  2 drinks for each time he references non-impeachable actions as reason for impeachment, i.e., keeping taxes low, AllKids, free rides for seniors, etc.

·                  3 drinks per martyr he compares himself to

·                  Full bottle if he announces his presidential bid for 2016

Urban-Etiquette Bonus Round:

• 2 Drinks per swear word
  
  
• Take 1 shot if Mayor Daley appoints Ron Huberman as interim Governor of Illinois        
  
  
• Take 1 shot and head to Happy Hour if he resigns at the end!

P.S – Keep your eyes peeled for SwillSpot.com – the new booze-fueled website brought you by Urban Etiquette’s very own Chucklyn. More info coming soon!

Bachelor Party Etiquette

After a recent foray into the realm of The Bachelor Party we are reminded that, although they should be obvious, guys are in need of some explicit guidelines for bachelor party behavior.

Basically, some'a you jamokes just don't get it.  So we'll spell it out for you in hopes that you don't blow a fellow's cover, spill the proverbial beans or downright ruin someone's marriage!

The Top Five Rules of The Bachelor Party

1. Silence is Golden

For the clueless numb-skulls: 

What happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party!

The fact that this needs to be so clearly defined makes us question the very manhood of those of you who call yourselves friends of the groom-to-be.  Have you no sense of loyalty?  Of common sense? Then keep your freakin' trap shut.  Period.

2. Don't be That Guy

If you wanna mope, sulk or pout - get the hell out!  After all, the definition is contained in the term itself: Bachelor Party. 

Nobody's fond of a party pooper.  So if you didn't bring your A game, do The Bachelor and other party-goers a favor and don't even show up.

Exception:  A close friend in no shape to properly celebrate, is under contract to show up and buy The Bachelor a drink and a shot.  Support him first by showing your face and then, perhaps more important, by subsequently taking your sad sack home.

3. Fair Game

Think of this not only as The Bachelor's last night of "freedom," but also as his official Roast!  Get all your digs in.  His ass is fair game all night long...

4. Best Man Runs the Show

In theory, you're hoping your pal will only ever have ONE of these, so it is of the utmost importance to make it a night to remember!  It is, therefore, part of the Best Man's job to ensure that this the case.

Exception:  The Best Man sucks. Recommended alternative = wildest friend sets the agenda, other partygoers suggest & support, best man executes.

5. Bachelor Pays Nothing

Unless he personally dictated how the night is to unfold and what events / locations are to be involved, The Bachelor's expenses are to be covered all night long.

This includes at least the following: 

• Drinks.
• Props needed to carry out Bachelor Party challenges.
  
• Lap dances.
  
• Midgets.
  
• Blow torches.
  

Follow these simple rules and a killer time will be had by all!

Photo credits:

Bachelor Party T-Shirt - Zazzle.com

Depressed Pug - ihasahotdog.com

Holiday Party Etiquette

Although Christmas is now a few days behind us – those few strands of tinsel, melting santa candy, and lovehandles are still here serving as a reminder that the holidays are not officially over…YET. 

We still get to look forward to NYE (or as Chucklyn says – Amateur Night) and possibly that end of the year Holiday Party with your co-workers. Since Chucklyn and the folks here at Urban Etiquette have gone to our fair share of company shindigs, we're offering some pointers on how to handle the hellish celebration:

• Wear something appropriate!
  Just because your boss decided at 3:00 pm to take the team out to the local Irish Pub instead of having the normal in-office cheesetastic celebration does not mean its time to run home first and change into the sequined mini and tube top combo from '99.
  
  Talk to your peers and see what's up. It all depends on the venue but remember you are still representing your office – so unless you work for Fredericks of Hollywood – keep it somewhat classy there champ!
  
  
• Booze is your Frenemy
  Let's make that clear – both FRIEND and ENEMY! Chucklyn is no stranger to throwing back a few because sometimes it helps to loosen things up in front of those SVPs but be certain to swill with care.
  
  Don't be so relaxed that multiple items of clothing start coming off or so that you start talking about office crushes or past office conquests or - God forbid - acting upon them. Chucklyn was once luckily enough to get a cougartastic makeoutsesh between an admin and a junior exec on camera and has been holding on to it for three years…y'know, just in case.  

• Set your Limits and plan your travel route home BEFORE the party
  We learned this the hard way. Once, after a few-too-many tequila shots at the Holiday Mixer, one thing led to another and before we knew it we were at a strip club by the airport drinking a Whiskey Sour with the sales team watching the regional manager pulling out singles from his company logo-branded money clip.
  
  Getting crazy and heading out to a post-party event to keep the night going with the boss may seem like a good idea when fueled by a stomach full of Jameson but when you need to discuss that TPS report with him the next day at 8:30 and you still have stripper glitter under you fingernails, you may think twice.
  
  

Rock out kids but play it cool!

Schadenfreude: How to Order a Sandwich at Jimmy Johns

Step 1: Decide what you want, and narrow your special requests (i.e. no mayo) down to two. Anything more than two will confuse the workers and you will get a completely incorrect sandwich. 

Step 2: Tell the cashier what you want (do not relax yet). 

Step 3: Repeat the last 2/3 of your order to the cashier after they wave their hand around and ask you to "hol' up hol' up" while they slowly press the keys. 

Step 4: Repeat the last 1/3 of your order to the cashier after they repeat your order back to you. Note: their repetition will be wrong and you may have to go back to step 3. 

Step 5: Pay for your sandwich, receive an incorrect amount of change. Determine whether it is wrong enough to be worth getting back in line. 

Step 6: Wait around for your sandwich while people push past you to get to the soda fountain. 

Step 7: Receive sandwich with at least one error. If you are not allergic to the error, proceed to Step 8. If you are, go back to Step 2. 

Step 8: Get your own bag and napkins, this is too confusing for the people who already cannot figure out how to make a sandwich. 

Step 9: Go back to work and spill lettuce on the keyboard writing a rant on craigslist.

--Schadenfreude

Cat Etiquette from 1905 Lolcat Photo

Kitty-cat etiquette Rule #1:

First and foremost, kitty no can has cheezburger...EVER!

From THE authority in all things cat-caption-related at icanhascheezburger.com:

This captioned cat picture postcard was found by Tracy Angulo in a Seattle antique store. Tracy tells us that the photograph is from 1905, which would make this officially the oldest cat picture with a caption, AKA lolcat, that we’ve seen.

The differences are clear. Proper grammar and a more formal tone was in vogue back then. But the similarities to modern-day kitten struggles and lolcats are amazing. ALL CAPS is still cool, but most importantly, she also no can has cheezburger. More than a hundred years later, all that’s changed is the spelling.

Evekitteh, we hope you got a good dinner.

more animals from icanhascheezburger.com

Chucklyn says: 

Don't give up hope, kittehs!  Perhaps the "change" the new presidential administration can has in mind involves cheezburger stimulus packages...

Graph Making Etiquette Example: Consequences of Gay Marriage

Charts and graphs should be kept simple.  Case-in-point...

...doesn't get any simpler than this!

Original link courtesy of Reddit.com - thanks little alien fellow   !!

Websites with Auto-Run Video are FAIL!

There's something to be said about rich content.  

Vids of Will Ferrell getting yelled at by his pint-sized landlord?  Yes please!  

YouTube creations splicing together the best of Family Guy's Quagmire?  Awesometastic.

But we could really give a flying flick about your in-house pundit spewing their perspective unbidden.  

That's what the "Play" button is for.  So's we can choose to play.  Y'know...if we want to.  Just don't make that decision for us.  That's just plain rude.

Editor's Note: We're lookin' at you, ESPN Fantasy Football - stop busting us out at work!  We're down for some Matthew Berry / Starfania Bell commentary as much as the next guy, but not when the boss is within earshot, dammit!

Politically Incorrect: the "September Madness" Current Events Bracket!

This was far too funny to pass up.  Well, funny with a side of sad really.  But funny nonetheless!

(too large to post in its entirety and still be readable, so bear with the split-bracket action...)

Voicemail Faux Pas: Identify Yourself!

"Hey it's me...call me back!"

FYI for all the me's out there: there are quite a few of you so do us a favor and identify your freakin' self!

Unless:

1. You're a significant other
2. You're a family member / best friend we grew up with
3. You have a voice so unique you're immediately identifiable...

...don't assume we know you by voice alone! Sorry. Maybe we're just not that into you. Or maybe we just don't know your hangover gutterals that well. Perhaps we simply don't speak fluent Klingon.

Whatever the case, you probably don't realize you're doing it so - fair warning - leave more than a clue about who you are and you'll stand a much better chance of receiving communication in kind.

If you should choose not to heed said warning and insist upon leaving quizzical messages replete with "hit me back"'s and "call me"'s, you hereby forfeit any and all claim to anger / frustration / attitude toward unrequited correspondence.

DO:

Call your favorite pal, colleague, lover etc and whisper sweet nothings into their messaging system.

DO NOT:

Whisper a sweet nothing about who the hell you are!

*Special thanks to the always-hilarious Jenna McCarthy on this one - speak the Truth, sista! When does that book drop again?? ;^)

Zoiks! Like, which asshole didn't leave his name this time, Scoob?

Chivalry: Little Old Lady at the Bus Stop

Chivalry Lives, folks. Classic example witnessed just today in downtown Chicago:

There was an old lady who walked in big shoes.
With many a bunion, knew not what to do.
Approaching the bus stop walker in-hand,
Barred from passage by a crowd and a man.

While others brushed past, little thought to the hag,
Our hero did pause and offered-hold of her bag.
Groceries packed too large full of cans and cat food
Yet finding her eeking along in bright mood.

In a world of "me-first," "my turn" and "it's mine"
Young squire did'st transport her back to old times
With a wink and a smile and polite courtesy
A gentleman, sure, made the day of this little lady.

New Section: Chivalry Lives

Urban Etiquette is proud to present a new section dedicated to those citizen knights who go out of their way to make everyday life that much easier and more enjoyable for all:

Chivalry Lives

These people understand the weight of a simple gesture and relate to the fact that they are not the only ones who matter. Here, in this space, you are no less than gods.

To the Metropolitan-Mannered, the City Citizens, the Courteous Cosmopolite:

We Salute You!

Twitter Etiquette 101: The Re-Tweet

I'd say half the people I know are hip to the Twitter. Although the other half of you still haven't caught the Twitter-bug, there are some things you should know about how it works.

That's why I started a new blog over at:

http://twitterbeginners.blogspot.com/

If you're new to Twitter or just want to know more about how to optimize / expand / use it (or how NOT to use it!), feel free to check it out!

Example:

Twitter Etiquette 101: The Re-Tweet

Go ahead and post a twitter entry that you found on someone else's page...but give credit where credit is due! Click here for the low-down so's you don't catch the smack-down.

Unrelated: Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers

Selfish. Whiner. Cry-baby. Waffler. Trouble-maker.

These are a few of the adjectives being applied to Brett Favre by the blogosphere, message boards and Twitter-topia.

In case you don't follow, the Green Bay Packers' hall-of-fame-bound quarterback retired last March, but recently decided he wants to play after all. Whether or not that will be with the Pack, elsewhere, or at all remains to be seen.

But although this site is far from a sports blog in any sense, I couldn't help but make a single point that I think is being overlooked by the critics out there - both media & sports fan alike:

Brett Favre has earned the right to negotiate whatever he deems to be a fair shake out of an organization whose heritage he has not only embraced, but furthered into the halls of football legend.

To those of you who insist that Favre is a whiner:

Shut your hole and step aside as a living NFL legend works out a well-earned deal. I'm tired of hearing people berate Favre for politicking for the first time in...how many consecutive starts??

Whether you like him or not, Favre has never been a whiner. He's never made waves for personal gain. He has demonstrated, time and again, a sheer grit and determination that is largely devoid in professional sports - a fact that neither fans nor detractors can refute.

Case-in-point: this unique perspective from ArmsDistance on Favre's iconic connection to Chicago.

And as the unequivocal leader of the Green Bay Packers through 16 years and 253 consecutive starts, Favre continues to play with the passion and enthusiasm of the recess playground and the professionalism of a true sportsman.



There is no "maneuvering" involved here. He doesn't have a damned thing to prove that he hasn't already given in years of dedication - quite literally - blood, sweat and tears.

Get off the guy's back. You critics couldn't hang there even if you tried.